Impact
by snuggleUP
Summary: It was a long day and you are tired, driving back to the hotel. It is raining, dark and you just want to be in your cozy bed. But sometimes life is a b!tch. - Dramatic story from JJ's POV. It started as a one-shot and now there is more! Winner in Best Drama of the Profiler Choice Awards 2014. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey, this is my next story, I know there is another sequel open to write, but I had the idea for this story in my head for some time now. I wanted it to write, so I did. I don't know yet if it is a one shot, it started as one, but you never know ;) So have fun, and please please review! Maybe there will be a next chapter then. – I do not own criminal minds!**

The trees are passing by, you look deep into the wood, that seems grim and somber. The rain is splashing against the windshield of the car. The visibility is bad, it is already after 11 p.m. and Hotch steers the SUV through the darkness. The silence in the car is expression of the tiredness of you two. It has been a really long day and you are glad that you don't have to drive. Only one lonely car passed by in the last 30 minutes. You have to be in the middle of nowhere, you think. You lean your head against the headrest, close your eyes and sigh.

The case is already annoying you, the interview with this so called "important" witness, turned out to be a waste of time. Not that it was almost to unnecessary to drive there, it took nearly half of the day. Now you are on your way back to the hotel. The others are already there, they called it a day some time ago.

The last 10 minutes of your ride were real bumpy. It became stormy outside and some squalls hit your car from time to time. You are really grateful not to drive, you think again and you are almost asleep when you hear Hotch breathing out heavily. You open your eyes and look at him.

"Everything alright?" You ask.

"A deer just passed right in front of us. It was close."

You watch him, as he returns your look shortly and frowns. You rise your eyebrows and just manage to say, "Oh". He just nods and continues his gaze on the street. You follow his gaze, but after that everything happens too fast. As you see what is in front of you, you only bring out: "Watch out!" Hotch yanks the steering wheel around, the SUV is sliding uncontrolled over the street, but you just see the object approaching too fast. You manage to hold your arms up in front of your face, trying to protect you from the impact. And then everything is going dark.

###

Wet. Cold. You hear it raining. What the...You try to focus. Okay, open your eyes! What happened? As you try to open your eyes you feel the cold water running over your face. The first thing you see are branches. Many of them, actually. You are in some kind of weird position. You are obviously sitting in the SUV, leaning against the frame of the door and in front of you the windshield is pierced through with thick branches.

And then it comes to you. You were in the SUV with Hotch, driving some lonely street through the woods on your way to the hotel. And then... Hotch! You try to move your head, but feel instantly a sharp pain running through your head. You squeeze your eyes shut and grit your teeth. Instinctive you move your hand to your head, but you sense, something doesn't feel right. As your stomach muscles contract to breath through the pain you have an odd feeling. Slowly you manage to move your head and try to look down on your body. You gasp. More pain rushes through your body. Nausea is growing. There is a thick branch sticking in your body, right through the windshield into your body. Great. You try to calm down as far as the view you are having allows it. And then it hits you again, Hotch!

"Hotch?" You try to manage.

"Hotch?"

It is exhausting. You start to shiver, it is cold and wet and dark.

"Hotch?"

With a sharp pain and some white flash in front of your eyes, squeezing them shut again, you manage to turn your head. You gasp again, feeling your whole body aching at that movement.

Slowly you open your eyes again and you try to make out Hotch's form in the dark. There are a lot of leafs and branches in the cockpit, buried under them leaning on the steering wheel, Hotch.

He is unconscious. Carefully you raise your left arm and try to reach Hotch's body. But you can't reach him, it is too far. With your body leaning against the right door frame, pinned by a ridiculous thick branch of a damn tree that is lying on the SUV, you are not able to reach Hotch. Slowly you begin to sense the situation. Fear is rising inside you. Panic. You are in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night. Who is going to find you? Phone. Your phone. 'Yes sure the phone, I can't even reach Hotch.' But suddenly you hear a moan from the other side. Hotch's side.

"Hotch?"

Another moan.

"HOTCH!"

That hurt. You squeeze your eyes shut again, grit your teeth and move your arm to your body. Then you recognize your other arm. You can't feel it. You didn't even look to the side of the door frame. You see the door is crushed into your side. Into your side of the body. And it takes a moment that you begin to understand, you are conscious, yet. The only thing that holds you upright is adrenaline. You turn your head under the now familiar pain to Hotch. He has managed to lift his arm to his head.

"Hotch?"

"Mmmhhm."

"Wake up Hotch!"

You eagerly watch him regain consciousness.

"C'mon!"

He try to rise from the steering wheel with his face distorted with pain. His whole face is covered with blood. Slowly he opens his eyes and tries to take in his surroundings.

"JJ?"

"Yeah, I'm here Hotch."

You feel yourself getting really exhausted. The rain is still pouring down and it is freezing cold. You are still shivering, your lip is trembling. After a moment, Hotch seems to have gathered himself.

Groaning, he is turning to you.

"JJ, are you alright?"

You hesitate to answer.

"JJ?"

He tries to move some of the branches.

"Hotch..."

"JJ, are you ok?"

"No, Hotch."

After he cleared his sight to you from branches, shock is written all over his face.

"JJ..."

He swallows, but at the same time something must hit him. He also squeezes his eyes and gasp, as he holds his left side.

"Hotch? Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

He hisses through his teeth and pauses, trying to breath the pain away. Hotch is always ok, even when he just got hit by a tree, you think and you have to smile mentally. His hair is wet from the rain, when you notice the whole roof is gone. Half of the tree seems to be inside the car and the roof is crushed backwards from another thick branch. The rain is pouring down through the leafs and branches on you. Hotch begins to search his pockets.

"JJ do you have phone reception?"

"I can't get my phone Hotch."

"Alright."

You feel he is in survival mode, controlled, calm. It soothes you. It seems like an eternity since the crash, but it must be only a couple of minutes. Finally you hear the beeping from Hotch's phone.

You lean your head back in the original position, you are tired. You know you can't sleep now. You try to concentrate on Hotch.

"I don't have any reception, JJ."

You close your eyes for a brief moment. Your eyes are burning, maybe you are crying, but you can't tell because of the rain that is pouring down on you.

"Hotch."

"What is it JJ?"

"I don't know how long I can hold on."

You don't see him, but you can feel him being sick of worry.

"Hold on I'm trying to get to you."

You hear him groaning, when he moves around on his seat. Obviously trying to get rid of the seat belt. Another thick branch is blocking the direct way from the driver side to you. In the corner of your eyes, you try to make out the movement in the darkness. You are shivering badly, you already becoming hypothermic. Hotch is struggling to open his door. It seems to be wedged. Suddenly you hear Hotch roar followed by a thump and crash.

"Hotch?"

Hotch is breathing heavily and moaning in pain, as far as you can tell. You manage to turn your head, but the pain is almost unbearable, you have to stop and gasp. Your eyes shut, you wait until the first spike of pain is over. You try to calm your breathing, because it hurts badly. But you sense you can't calm down your breathing. It is labored now. The constant weird feeling in your stomach, where the branch impaled you, is now accompanied by pain. And it is rising into your chest. What makes the breathing difficult.

"Hotch?"

The rain is almost too loud, to hear anything from Hotch and the storm is still blowing over you. You feel the warm of your tears mixing with the raindrops on your cheek. You close your eyes again. Trying to manage the panic, that is now surrounding you. Then you hear movement behind you, Hotch apparently climbed some how on the back seat.

"I'm right behind you JJ."

"Thank god..."

You let out a sigh in relief. You blink several times. Hotch manages to get rid of most of the branches, that are blocking the space between you two. He is leaning over to you, assessing how you are doing. As his face is close to yours, you let out a scared chuckle and smile at him. Blinking your tears and the rain away.

"I'm screwed Hotch."

"JJ..."

He looks over your body, examines every part and finally meets your eyes again. He takes your left hand and is carefully squeezing it.

"Hold on JJ, please, you are strong, you are going to make it. I will trying to reach Garcia."

You sniff and nod slightly, smiling anxiously. While he is getting back behind your seat, he is wincing in pain and suppressing a moan. You hear him getting outside the car again. Closing your eyes, you sigh. But another sharp pain is radiating through your body. Breath, just breath, slow and easy, you say to yourself.

"JJ? I finally got reception!"

Your eyes fly open and for the first time being in this situation, you feel hope. You eagerly try to hear some of what Hotch is saying outside the car.

"Garcia? …. crash... on the SUV... JJ...yeah... what?... Garcia? …..llo? …you hear... Garcia?"

The rain has taken over the surrounding sounds. You hope with every fiber of your body, that he was successful. It has to be. You don't want to die here, outside, in the dark, cold and wet nature.

"Hotch?"

"Yeah JJ, hold on a second."

He is now working on to your window, that is actually broken, but the tree branches are everywhere. Finally he gets a view and space to lean through the window and gets in touch with you. With a calm soothing voice, Hotch speaks to you.

"I was able to contact Garcia, JJ, the connection was really bad. But I'm sure she understood the facts. We were disconnected in the middle of the call, though."

He pauses and looks deep into your eyes.

"JJ, help is on the way, you have to hold on, ok?"

You can only smile and nod, while you are slowly blinking your tears away. You are really tired now and your breathing is shallow. He carefully strokes your cheek.

"Let me see what your injuries are."

"Well I got in touch with a tree!"

You snort, but your faint smile fades, when you taste blood in your mouth. Hotch notices your sudden change in of your face.

"What?"

"I can taste blood."

He frowns and goes on with his examination.

"What is with your right arm? Can you move it?"

"No. I can't even feel it since I woke up."

"Does your head hurt?"

"Oh yeah, everytime I try to move it, I want to pass out."

"Hold on a second I'll be right back."

"No, don't go Hotch please. I'm scared."

He switches his gaze between your eyes.

"I'm not going to leave you JJ. I need a flash light, it is too dark. I'll be right back."

Before you can insist, he is out of your sight. You close your eyes again and you begin to sob, crying utterly. The sobs are turning in gasps and your lung hurts like hell. You are feeling that you are deteriorating, at least definitely mentally. You don't want anymore. You just want to sleep and stop this miserable situation. Don't want to freeze anymore, no more pain, no more damn branch in your body. Just stop, please, you think.

"JJ?"

Hotch is breaking your thoughts. You slowly open your eyes and have to adjust them to the light.

"Ok JJ, at least I remember we don't have to wait that long for help, we were not too far from the city, where our hotel is. So they must arrive soon, if Garcia got our position."

You see his breath through the light of the flash light, while the rain is also clearly shown, how it still pours down on you. You nod at him, slowly blinking, aware that it is getting more difficult to hold your eyes open. He must have noticed it.

"JJ."

"Hm?"

"I know you are tired, but you have to stay awake ok?"

"Hmm."

You swallow and you feel your body getting weaker, as you lay limp against the door frame.

"Ok, JJ, how is your breathing?"

"Crappy. It hurts like hell and I can't breath through anymore."

"What is about your legs?"

Your legs. Oh god. You didn't even think about them. You were too busy with all your other injuries. But honestly, you start to don't care anymore.

"I don't know Hotch."

"Can you feel them?"

"It's so cold Hotch, I want to sleep."

Somehow you know, you are irrational, but you don't care anymore. The tiredness is overwhelming now.

"JJ, c'mon, stay awake!"

"I don't want anymore, Hotch."

"I know JJ, but you have to hold on! You have to hold on for Henry!"

Your eyes slowly open again. Henry... Your mind is running crazy right now. 'What if I don't make it.' Suddenly the panic is in your gut again. 'I can't let him left alone.' You are trying to shift. But you are hit by another radiating pain, as you are even crying out, your eyes squeezed shut. Your left hand is searching for hold. You begin to hyperventilate. The pain is too much.

"JJ, slowly, I know it is hard, but try to breath even and regular. In... and … out...In and … out. Nice and easy!"

You try to focus on Hotch's words, but you feel yourself getting tired again.

"JJ, open your eyes again, so I can check on you."

You hear Hotch's words, but it takes all of your energy to focus, you are feeling dizzy, slowly you open your eyes again. You try to focus on the light. You notice Hotch is shifting, so that you can see him better, he is leaning into the car. He takes your left hand and squeezes it.

"There you go, JJ!"

The shivering already got into a normal feeling for you. But the cold is still overwhelming and you struggle to hold your eyes open.

"JJ, when we are back home, I will come over with Jack and the boys can play soccer."

"Mmmh."

"We can make some barbeque and beer. There will be sunshine and it will be warm. Do you like that?"

"Ss...sounds...great...Hotch."

You feel Hotch stroking your cheek again, as your eyes are closing again.

"C'mon, JJ, hold on!"

"'m too … tired...Hotch."

You feel, as he is shifting and moving back out of the window. That catches your attention a little bit and you manage to open your eyes again.

"JJ, they are coming, help is coming, hold on!"

"Hmmm."

You don't notice, as Hotch disappears from your window. You can hear the sirens and see some flashing lights in the distance. But your eyes lids are too heavy, as your eyes close again.

#

The next thing you notice is some distant voices. Some muffled sounds are getting to you. Then a voice is calling your name, followed by a touch on your shoulder.

"JJ?"

You try to open your eyes, but you fail.

"JJ! C'mon open your eyes for me!"

A gently shaking on your shoulder pushes you more awake and you manage to open your eyes.

The bright light is stinging in your eyes and you have to blink several times to adjust them.

"There you go JJ. The paramedics are here to take care of you ok?"

You are too numb to say anything. Too tired. You start to blink, the eyes falling close again.

"Hey there I'm Matt, I'm a paramedic and will treat you, alright?"

Already, you are on the way to unconsciousness again. Drifting in your dizzy feeling, like everything is rotating around you, light headed, you feel hands on you. Something is wrapped around your neck. The pain is only a dull ache and you don't care anymore. You just want to sleep.

"JJ! Open your eyes for me please!"

The voice of the paramedic is ripping you out of your drifting. Your mind is focused on the world around you. Opening your eyes slowly, you can make out, that there is a busy working all around you and the car. People are swarming all around the crash side, as it seems. Sounds are making their way to you, but the man in front of you moves into your sight.

"JJ, we will give you something for the pain, soon, ok? The fire rescue is going to cut you free from the branch, so that we are able to move you. And it seems, we have to crack open the door, too, to get you out of there."

Too much words. You can't follow him. Behind you and next to you, it seems from all sides, people are trying to get into a position to help you. Another paramedic is now right by your left side and is starting to assess your injuries. You didn't notice, that your eyes are closed again, too tired to even care about that. The sounds begin to drift away again. But you feel how the men are working on you. Something is stuck in your hand and followed by that you feel something warm flows in your arm. Voices and other sounds are mixed up, you can't differ anymore between them. You are eagerly waiting to drift complete into unconsciousness.

"JJ?"

Someone is calling your name. You feel an oxygen mask over your face, as you notice that you are barely taking proper breaths anymore. But it feels so much better. The pain in your chest is now overwhelming. What started as a weird feeling in your stomach, radiated and rose up into your chest. Suddenly you feel how something is thrown over you, a blanket? You hear the voices are getting louder, commands are shouted. And then a horrible pain sends jolts through your body and your eyes fly open, as the noise of a chainsaw cuts through the night. You start to hyperventilate, try to get in control of the pain. You feel your chest tighten. Voices are shouting at you, but you are not able to recognize them.

"Jeeez, give her more, what were you thinking Mike?"

"JJ? I'm here, shhhhh try to calm down. Easy..."

You feel Hotch present, you can hear him. It soothes you, it always has. But right now your body doesn't let you calm down. Your chest feels like someone is sitting on it, like it got hit by a truck. You cannot breath. It is not hyperventilation anymore. You simply cannot breath. Finally the stressing sound of the chainsaw is over, but the sounds are still mixed up, like one unit.

"JJ? Try to take deep breaths."

It is annoying, you feel the panic rise, while next to you, someone gives you smart advises.

"Matt, I think she is in breathing distress, her oxygen level is dropping. There has to be something more injured. Maybe her lung collapsed, we have to intubate her soon. I'll give her more morphine for the pain now."

Your eyes are closed again, trying to minimize the sensation you are getting right now. The voices are becoming distant again, you feel your mind is drifting away, finally. You don't care anymore about breathing or pain. Hands are now all over you. It keeps you away from the eagerly-awaited unconsciousness. Air... you can sense, that you went out of it. You feel a jerk going through the car and you can feel how your body is stabilized as you slowly slide on a board, where the door was before. You think you have to suffocate and you are too dizzy to do anything about it. You are lifted on the board, it is a weird sensation, your whole world is rotating, you cannot tell where you are, until you are being slowly set down on something comfortable.

"Ok nice and easy, she has to be immobilized. Mike get the head."

You can make out what the people are saying around you. The paramedics are strapping something around your body, you feel how you are getting more connected to the board, your head is wrapped with stripes too. The rain is now rinsing over your face. The new sensation lets your mind becomes more awake. But you feel too dizzy to get fully awake, your lung burns, the lack of oxygen is now overwhelming. You begin to heave your chest, to get some more air.

"Lets get her in the ambulance, out of the rain, we have to intubate her soon, oxygen is getting critical. Move, move."

Your body is panicking, but your eyes are still closed, wanting to drift away, but at the same time fear throttles your throat, you are barely breathing. Your chest still heaving, you feel the underground moving and rumble.

"JJ?"

Someone calls your name. You feel the rain has stopped, the moving too, but the dizziness and the rotating sensation are still there.

"JJ?"

"Sir, I don't think she can respond anymore, we think a lung is collapsed, she went in breathing distress, when the fire rescue was cutting the branches. She is out. We have to intubate her now."

'Hotch? Oh stay with me please' you are now aware, it was him calling out for you. You want to open your eyes so badly, but you feel your whole body is like being pulled downwards. You are limp. You feel the hands of the paramedics touching you, working on you. As your jaw gets pulled down roughly you feel metal connect with your mouth. You don't care anymore. You want it to just end. Suddenly something is slipping down your throat, you want to choke, but your body doesn't respond anymore.

"I'm in, can you check please."

"Sure."

"Ok...damnit, right side is not ventilated."

"What's with the left?"

"Hold on...yeah, not nice but ok. We have to get her out of here. This is nothing we can treat here. Lets go, the rest I can manage while you drive."

Air, you feel finally a relief of the tighten feeling in your chest. But you don't know exactly how you are. 'Am I unconscious? Then why can I hear them talking' you wonder. You feel a hand connecting to your left.

"How is she?"

"Uhm, sir, her lungs are damaged, one is collapsed completely, it isn't even to be ventilated. I have to check her through now, I didn't have time for that before. After that I can tell you more."

"Do you think she will make it?"

"Sir, I really can't tell you. She has to be rushed to the hospital ASAP. Her condition is life threatening. That is what I can tell you."

The hand on yours is stroking it gently. You feel your wet clothes being removed from your upper body. The hands are touching you all over again, something is attached to you chest and a beeping sound joins the sirens, that you can hear. The dizziness and the rotation are gone, but you still feel limp and heavy lying, like something pulls you even further down. You cannot move anything. You try to open your eyes, but you can't move even one muscle. You still feel the thick branch, stuck inside your upper abdomen and you are aware of the tube in your throat.

"Damn, she is still freezing cold. Body temperature is 87.5°."

"Hey Matt, keep her that way, lets do a prolonged therapeutic hypothermia for her brain injury."

"Yeah, you are right, good call Mike."

"How is she doing anyway?"

"You should hurry Mike, BP is really crappy and I'm not satisfied with her oxygen. It's in the lower nineties."

"Alright, I hear ya."

You have no idea what they were talking about, but you feel it isn't good. Your body is a wreck. You are crushed everywhere. The pain is a dull ache and you feeling, what seems to be Matt, how you are being examined by his hands. Suddenly you feel something weird in your right chest, a pain begins to sting and all of a sudden it stops again. But what happens after that, lets the panic rise again, that was still subtle welling inside you. You hate that feeling that is now very present. Air, no , you cannot... No! You cannot breath, you feel like your drowning inside. Not again. You want to fight, to struggle, but your body doesn't respond. Panic. Utter panic is all over you.

"Oh no!"

"What is happening?"

You hear an alarm going off and are sensing that the panic went over to the paramedic, who is next to you.

"Tell me what is going on!"

"Sir, please, let me work!"

Something was disconnected from the tube in your throat as you feel a warm liquid run over your face, down to your neck. 'Hotch! Please! Help me! Please...' You want to choke, struggle, you would do anything to be able to get some air in your lungs.

"No, no, no... c'mon kiddo!"

The paramedic is holding your cheek as you hear a gurgling sound, a suction pump.

"What is happening back there Matt?"

"She is bleeding through the ET tube."

"Oh shit."

"Hurry up, man!"

"ETA 5 minutes!"

And then you sense a darkness, slowly growing around you. The sensation of suffocating ebbs away. You are feeling you can relax and you want to, it is a need, you cannot hold on anymore. You want to let go. And so you do. Darkness.

**TBC (?)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Ok here we go, I had so much fun writing this story, that I continued. I still don't know where this will be heading, but maybe that is a good thing. Thank you for your reviews! Please keep on going to review, I'm glad about every single reader of that story! Enjoy!**

Warm and cozy. Free of pain and fear. The sensations you feel let you relax more. Silence is surrounding you. You let it happen. But something doesn't feel right. In the distance, very far away, you can make out some sounds. You can't tell what it is. The odd feeling disturbs you, because you want peace, you are still exhausted from the fight. The warm and cozy feeling ebbs away, you are starting to freeze. No... you don't want that cold and tensed state anymore... no...please...But then the sounds become more sensible. There are voices and noise, swelling to you.

A jolt runs through your body and suddenly you can sense everything you don't want to. You feel how someone is pressing on your chest, crazy beeping and commands make their way to your mind. You feel hands on you, you can't even count and determinate where they touch you all over again. The familiar feeling of suffocating joins you and the panic follows right away.

"Another round of epi, Glenn order more bags of 0 negative. What is the monitor saying?"

"After the last shot she is still in cardiac arrest."

"Ok keep going, how is the pressure?"

"60/40"

"That's good, how is the bleeding?"

"Still going, about 500 in the suction and the ventilation is still miserable"

"Alright, Kate hurry up with the chest tube over there. Chuck take over CPR."

You barely understand what they are talking. You feel how something is shoved into your right side, it is an odd feeling. But somehow you sense a relief in your chest, even though another one is still pressing on it.

"Alright chest tube is in and it flows."

"She needs more volume, the blood loss is too high. Where are the damn blood bags."

"V-FIB!"

The monitor sound is going loud again and you feel two cold objects connect to your chest.

"Clear!"

Another shock races through your body and you feel every muscle convulse inside you.

"Still V-Fib! I charge again to 360. Clear!"

All of your fibers seem to be radiated from the jolt, as you feel your body relaxing again. It is odd, you can't feel any pain right now, your body is a mess you think, how could it be? The only thing your are feeling is coldness. If you could, you would shiver.

"Sinus-tachycardia! There you go!"

"Check for pulses."

"Got a weak one on the femoral artery."

"Good, what is the BP?"

"73/42"

"Alright, ventilation?"

"She needs still a lot of pressure, there is too much fluid inside."

"Lets get her ready for the OR! Make a blood gas analysis, Glenn."

There are a lot people working frantically around you. You can feel their touches on you, moving around, adjusting tubes and wires, you guess and examine your shattered body. You must be in the E.R. , but you miss the time from the ambulance until now. What was happening? They performed CPR... you were dead! But how can you process the information you discover around you. Maybe, you think , you have disassociated, you are aware of your surroundings and hear them talk, but you still cannot respond. You feel how the air gets pressed into your lungs, followed by an odd feeling of gurgling inside you. Blood, there must be very much blood, the thick branch is still sticking inside your body.

"Kate, are your done with the central line? When you are finished, we are good to go. She won't become anymore further stable, than now."

"I'm almost in!"

A woman's voice is right on the right side of your head, obviously she is working on something, that is now, you believe inside your neck or shoulder. You can't put the finger on it. There is also something like a medical drape laying over your shoulder, neck and face.

"Alright guys, we are moving now, nice and easy, no rushing, mind the tubes and wires!"

You sense how the gurney, that you lie on, begins to move. New sounds are joining the now familiar ones. Then suddenly a voice breaks through the mumbling.

"Sir! You need to get back on your gurney! Sir! Please, you are badly injured, you have to lay down."

You hear steps of people come closer to your side.

"Jess, its ok, give him a moment."

You feel a particular hand connect with yours. The sensation of safety now engulfs you. Somehow you know now, everything is going to be alright.

"JJ..."

'Hotch!'

"JJ, please hold on!"

He is squeezing your hand, his voice is... different. You barely hear that voice. It is fueled with sadness, but also soft and caring. It pulls out all of your emotions, from your subconsciousness to the surface, that were buried under the other sensations of fighting for your life. You are incredible sad now, you want to cry, to hold Hotch in an embrace, to show him it is going to be ok. But you are stuck, captured in a broken body, that was moments ago not alive anymore. You are filled with emotions now, somehow your eyes are burning and you sense how they begin to water. But as moving the moment is, another voice cuts through it.

"Sir, we have to go now, she has to get to the OR."

You feel how Hotch's hand slowly slides away from yours. 'No! No... I don't want to be alone anymore.' You cry. You have to cry now, sobbing to relieve the emotional pressure that is welling inside you. But not even to that, your body is able to. The only response you got since you were brought back to life by the team of the E.R., were your watering eyes.

The intense feelings of the last minutes you try to deal with, become a dull pain, a dull emotional pain, that would rip your chest apart. But sadly it is already ripped apart. Your thoughts trail back to your surroundings again. It is cold. The movement stopped some moments ago, you hear them talking and hands are touching you.

"Alright guys, nice and easy as before. On my command. One...two...three."

You are lifted and placed down on an hard underground, you guess it is the OR table. The people around you are touching you everywhere again, you have the feeling your body isn't your own property anymore. Then you feel someone at the side of your head is suction you again, the breathing tube that is down your throat is moving slightly. A warm hand is touching your cheek.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm your anesthetist, you are going to be ok, alright? I suctioned your lung again, so that you can be better ventilated. You are bleeding a lot my dear. I'm now connecting my ventilator on your tube again."

You feel the person, who talked to you, gently replacing something on your breathing tube and you feel the precious air flowing into your lungs again. The hand returns to you cheek and it strokes also your forehead. Then something is affixed to your forehead with wires. More wires and tubes, you think.

"Ok sweetheart, I'm going on with the anesthesia now, you are going to sleep real deep."

Somehow you like that person, someone that is finally talking to you, as she would be aware of that you can hear her. She obviously fumbles with that thing that is connected to your neck/shoulder.

"Get some rest now, honey."

You feel a warm coziness filling your body. Drifting away, your head feels really heavy now, as someone would pull it down. Slowly the sounds are ebbing away, only muffled noise now. And then finally you feel...nothing...anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Hey! So sorry about the delay. But sometimes life is a b!tch, right? I got in the hospital too, for the first time in my life. So I was a little bit out of the possibility to update. But I'm doing ok right now, no worries. I'm home again. And here is another chapter for you and my friend KDMOSP. Please let me know how you think about it. Please review! Enjoy! (if you want to know anything about medical terms of the story pm me)**

There is something. You can sense it. You are aware that your mind is working again. But it is possible you are dead? You don't know. You try to concentrate, try to take anything what might be there. It is nearly impossible, you think, but you sense there is something you can hear. There is no sensation of your body, you don't feel anything right now, you are inside a all surrounding darkness. But you are not stupid, there was something like a sound. Regular. You wait. Eagerly.

And there it is. A small continued beeping. Very faint. And slowly you feel how you get more aware of you body. You are obviously lying in a bed. Heavy. Like the feeling you had, before it went dark. Like something is pulling you down. The beeping becomes more sensible. You can feel how air moves into your lungs, but you are doing nothing. You try to move a finger, but even with strong will you can't even move an inch. Again the air is pressed into you airways and you hear a hissing sound together with it.

You are in the ICU. It has to be. That is what happens to you right now. You are lying in the ICU, obviously surrounded with medical equipment and machines. You try to figure out what else is going on with your body. Again your lung is filled with oxygen. You haven't even the urge to breath, there is a tube down your throat, you can sense it now. It is an odd feeling, you don't even have to choke on it. Suddenly you hear a humming sound and something on your left arm is pressing on it. Blood pressure. Ok, that is familiar. Your excitement slowly settles down a bit. But still, you cannot move. You try to open your eyes. Nothing. It is like before it went dark, you can think and hear and feel, but you cannot do anything. Great. Not a condition you like.

There is some movement, you hear it, steps are coming closer. Somebody moves around your bed, you hear some different beeping, some sounds of equipment.

"Hey my dear, how are you feeling today? It is almost noon. It is beautiful weather outside. The sun is shining and we have the first snow."

'Snow?'

You feel how the woman is stroking your left hand and arm. Then something connects with your bare chest, it is cold. You almost want to jump at that sensation.

"Oh, we have to clear your airways again. Hold on."

The woman rummages around and you feel movement at the airway tube. Suction. You remember it.

"Ah, yes, there you go. I think that is a lot better."

'Yes. That feels better now. But snow?'

What the .. How much time went by? You cannot believe this. The nurse is still doing something with your ventilation tube as you hear new steps come closer.

"How is she doing?"

"No neurological signs of consciousness by now."

"Ok, I was expecting that. She needs more time. The results of the MRI should be back in an hour."

"Yes, her fever dropped to 101°, but she is still bad with her clearance, she might need another dialysis today."

"Alright, get one started. I will check her lab and will get back to you."

Your mind is racing. You cannot catch a clear thought. 'What is happening with me?' Fear and sadness mixed up are making their way up to the surface. You only want to cry right now. You cannot stand it anymore, unable to do anything. To be caught in your own body, unable to express anything, unable to communicate. It tears you apart. You don't want that anymore. This way of awareness is cruel, you endured it before, before that darkness you just woke up from. The steady beeping and the hissing of the ventilator are reminding you of the desperate on going of that situation. It won't stop. You are kept alive. Kept alive in that state. Then the woman, that must be the nurse, interrupts your thoughts. There is something big moved to the side of your bed, you hear the rolls of what must be a machine on the floor. The nurse is working at your side and you listen to every bit what you can get. Obviously she is unpacking equipment, you hear packaging wrapped open. Another person approaches and you hear the steps stopping beside your bed.

"Ok... uhm... lets see...potassium is 5.1 and her clearance is 4.1, you can keep the settings from last night I think."

"Almost done."

You hear the man coming closer to you.

"Hello Agent Jareau! How are you feeling?"

You feel how his hand connects with your shoulder.

"I will check your eyes now, don't be scared ok?"

It has to be the doctor, you think, as he lifts your right eye lid up and immediately your eye is burning at the sensation of the bright light that is shining into it. The same awful procedure happens to your left eye.

"Hmm no sign of a pupil reaction."

"Yeah I checked one hour ago, there wasn't one either."

"I think we have to wait a little bit further. The medication pump went off at 8 a.m., it takes time for the body to adjust."

"But it is still possible there will be no response at all anymore."

"Yes, I know, it is possible. But lets have some faith after all. We have to wait on the last MRI scans, I already paged Jerry from radiology."

"Did Agent Hotchner contacted you already today?"

"No, I assume he will come by today."

"Ah ok, I see."

'Hotch? Hotch! Where is he? Is he ok? He is injured!'

You want to jump out of the bed and run to Hotch right now. You need to see him. You don't even know where to search, but it doesn't matter. The urge of moving, running free to satisfy yourself with the energy that would run through your body... You are stuck. Caught in your own body. The sadness is building a lump in your throat. Your eyes are burning again. You want to hold Hotch now, want his presence near by you. Comfort. You need comfort more than ever. You are so alone. Like you are swimming in an ocean and you are lost, lost on your own. Not able to help yourself.

Again it is the doctor that touches you. Breaking you free from the miserable thoughts. You feel how he is touching you and obviously testing some reflexes with his medical hammer. It is an odd feeling, as your body is moved by another person. But when he steps to your right side it gets even more weird. He is doing something, but you can barely feel it. You sense how there is movement, but you cannot feel his touch on your body.

"Alright. Agent Jareau? Can you squeeze your hand for me?"

'Sure... It went so well the last time I tried to move any of my body parts.' You feel how his hand connects with your left. You try as hard as you can to move anything. But not even the little finger flinched.

"Ok, no response. We have to check again in two hours."

He pauses and you hear him managing something nearby.

"Betty, we have to adjust the catelochamines, I'm not satisfied with her CVP and her arterial pressure, on top with the next dialysis it will drop again."

"Yeah I checked that, I already adjusted it, but her fever takes its toll."

"Then reduce the volume in the dialysis, add some fluids. I will get back to you with the new orders."

"Yep, alright."

Fever, dialysis, arterial pressure, clearance, catelochamines? What is going on? You had a car accident. There is something going on like broken bones and bruises. You hit your head, that you are aware about. But dialysis. People with kidney failure need something like that. Why do you need that?

"Hey Jennifer."

You almost snap. The nurse is now close to you.

"I'm preparing you now to the dialysis machine again."

There is another person in the room now, close to you too. You didn't even notice until now. You were too distracted with this whole situation. You feel how a drape is laid over your left collarbone. There is obviously a bunch of I.V. lines, that is connected to the inside of your body, right at your left collarbone. You didn't sense it before. You feel and hear the two nurses fumbling around with tubes and wires.

"Ok hold on, Ben, arterial path now...right..."

"I start now."

"Yep... and the second. Alright, everything fine?"

"Flow is running, looks nice."

"Jennifer, you did great!"

"Everything is settled, do you need me for more?"

"No, thank you Ben."

You hear as the male nurse is leaving your side. Betty, who is obviously your nurse, is still by your side and you hear her adjusting something at the machine next to your bed. Then she leans over to you again and is gently stroking your arm.

"Ok honey, we just started your dialysis. I hope you will get better soon and you can open your eyes for me."

'That is an great idea!'

But your sarcasm doesn't last long. The medical machines remember you at your miserable situation right away, because your heart monitor is starting an alarm. If you could, you would flinch at that sound. Your memories aren't good with an alarm going off. Slight panic rises inside your chest. You almost expect the nurse to follow and get stressed. But nothing like that happens. You hear how the heart monitor goes silent again and the dialysis machine sending some confirmation sounds from buttons that are pushed. You are still tensed, waiting for something to happen. But there isn't happening anything. You start to relax again.

The nurse is moving to your right side and you hear how she is adjusting something on the machines. After that she touches your right shoulder and you can tell there are a lot of wires and tubes she is fumbling with. And then you feel that weird sensation again. The movement you barely can feel. Your arm. Oh God! You cannot feel your right arm. What is going on? Why ..?

"There you go, Jennifer, I will be right back, get some rest ok?"

'No no no no...Don't leave me alone. No! I can't feel my arm, what... there has to... no...'

You are crying... you need to cry... you want to sob to feel your tears rolling over your cheeks. The lump in your throat almost hurts, the pressure is almost not bearable. But the hissing ventilator is continuing the breathing rhythm without hesitation. Mechanically. Your breathing isn't erratic. You aren't sobbing. Your body is not crying. But your mind is. And it hurts. And again the air is flowing inside your lungs. Your eyes are burning right now. Wanting to release the tears. You want to scream, to fight. You want so eagerly to scream, to express your feelings, to shout it out.

"JJ."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N I know, it was cruel how I left you with the last chapter. But I was able to write a bit more. I did really hard on this one, I was stuck several times. That is the reason why the chapter isn't that long. Thank you for reading this story! I eagerly watch the traffic statistics and I am very happy about every single review, it keeps me going! So please review! Enjoy!**

'Hotch!'

He steps closer to your bed. His presence calms you down, instantly. You can smell his scent. There is finally a relief welling through your body. You are almost a little bit overexcited, this emotional roller coaster is playing with your mind. And then you feel how his hand connects with your left. A warm touch, reassuring, safe.

"Hey JJ."

'Oh Hotch... I am so glad you are here!'

His thumb is stroking the back of your hand. The warm feeling is now spreading through your body. The tension ebbs away. You would close your eyes now and sigh, if you could. Hotch then slowly lets your hand go and gently strokes some hair behind your ear. He cups your cheek with his hand moves his thumb soft over it.

"I'm here for you now."

He takes a chair and sits down by your side. You feel how both of his hands take yours in between. You almost forgot about your condition. About laying in the ICU, trapped in between countless tubes and wires, that are keeping your body alive. You almost forgot about not being able to express yourself, to tell somebody anything. But albeit his silence, his presence is all you need right now. It soothes you. His finger are slightly moving over yours. It is a peaceful moment. You let it take effect. Take all the pleasant sensations in.

"Agent Hotchner?"

It is Betty, your nurse. You feel a slight movement of his hand.

"How are you today?"

"Hey Betty, I'm okay."

"Agent Jareau is finally off sedation since this morning."

"Oh? That's a good news!"

"I know, right?"

"So it is possible now she could wake up?"

"Yes."

A little pause sets in. You feel how his hand tightens around your left. You almost sense the tension in the room.

"It is also possible, she won't wake up, Agent Hotchner."

You hear him shifting in his chair, as he speaks again, this time in your direction.

"Yes, I am aware of that possibility."

'Not waking up? What is going on?' You are left from the calm feeling. That is not possible. Not waking up, this would kill you, drive you crazy. Stuck in this state of mind. This is torture. You cannot believe this. You do not want believe this!

But at the same moment, you feel Hotch's thumb stroking over the back of your hand again.

"So are there any signs of waking up, yet?"

"No Sir, I'm sorry. The doctor was here 10 minutes ago and checked her reflexes."

"I want to see Dr. Coburn, can you send him in please?"

"Yes, of course, Agent Hotchner."

You hear how Betty leaves the room.

"JJ, you are doing great, do you hear me? Please... hold on! The team is missing you. Prentiss is driving me crazy, you should really come back, to talk to her."

'Missing me?' Snow...the team missing you... Wait. You are definite longer in that damn ICU than you realized, until now. How long? You cannot think straight. Emotions welling inside and up to the surface. You want to cry again. This is too much for you to take right now. The lump in your throat is back and hurts like hell. You eagerly want to swallow it down. But there is no response.

"Ah, Agent Hotchner, good to see you again. How are you?"

"Thanks, I'm ok. How is she doing?"

"Well, she is really tough, after all that happened the last weeks, she is struggling with a pneumonia again."

'Weeks? Oh my God...'

"Why is she on dialysis again? You said the lab it doing fine."

"Well, yes and no. She developed a high fever last night and we had to do another dialysis at night and now her kidney is still not doing a good job. We have to do another dialysis."

"Why does she have a fever?"

"Her pneumonia is bad. But the antibiotics are kicking in, her fever dropped today on 101°."

"Mhm, I see. So you stopped the sedation today. What is the MRI showing?"

"Her brain swelling is almost back to normal, so actually no swelling or bleeding anymore. That is good. So we decided to get her off the sedation to start the waking up process."

"But there are no signs of that, yet."

"No, I'm afraid not, I'm sorry. But it takes time, Agent Hotchner. Especially after a big trauma like that. It is even a miracle she is alive. She coded several times the last three weeks, not only on the way to the hospital. So we can't determine if there is any brain damage of the lack of oxygen or not. On top comes her head and brain injury. So as I told you before, we have to wait. I'm sorry."

While the doctor was speaking, you feel both of Hotch's hands holding your left hand determined, as if he doesn't want to let you go. You desperately want to squeeze and give him a touch, that will tell him you are here! You are aware! You want to hold him, want to communicate in some kind of way.

"When will she be able to get off the ventilator?"

"I'm afraid that will last very long. As I told you two weeks ago, she went in the acute respiratory distress syndrome. There will be a hard time to get her off the ventilation. But right now I can't see any chance to do so."

"Will she be able to recover from that?"

"You mean from the ARDS? Well, I assume it will take a really long time to recover. She is young, but the damage through the accident was very severe on her lung. So, I truly can't tell you if there will be a 100% recovery."

"So there is the possibility, that she can have a breathing disability?"

"Uhm... yes, I'm afraid so."

This is nothing but a nightmare you woke up to. Your body is a mess and you are kept alive with it. You possibly won't be able to breath properly anymore? You are young for gods sake! That can't be true. It is worse than you were aware of. With every hour you are awake, there is another nightmare rushing into your life. But what is left from your life? Right now you are depending on a ventilator and a machine that filters your blood for you. You can't feel your arm right now and your head and body were hit so badly, that they put you obviously in a coma for weeks.

Your emotions are taking over again. Even Hotch's reassuring hand cannot help you over this. You would lose it completely, if he wouldn't be here. But nevertheless this is too much, you can deal with right now. The pressure of your feelings, that want to escape into the world, are too much. You want to scream, to rumble, to express what is inside you.

But there is nothing... not even a faint flinch you can give them. You are lost.


	5. Chapter 5

It is the next morning. Hotch stayed almost the whole afternoon, did everything he could to sooth you, to calm you down, as if he was aware of your state of mind. When he left, you had to fight inside your little cage for not losing your mind. A numb feeling stayed. A numbness that swallows all other feelings. You guess your own mind tries to protect itself from this horrible experience. The doctor enters the room. You can determine Dr. Coburn through his walking and his shoes. But also he always greets you.

"Hello Agent Jareau, how are you today? I will draw some blood, to see if you need dialysis today, alright?"

Betty appears by your side and is checking your I.V. medication in this pump-tower you guess.

"Any signs of waking up today, Betty?"

"No, still nothing, Ewan, you will check soon, right?"

"Yeah after I will get the blood to the lab, I will test her neuro status."

"I think she will need dialysis again today, the blood gas analysis was not good earlier."

"Yeah I think so too. Maybe I will make some ultrasound later to check her kidney."

Somehow you are grateful for the chatter around you. It let you feel less alone. But nevertheless you are depressed and waiting for any sign that shows you that your body is still working. But right now, you are still depending on the ventilation, that supplies your lung with oxygen, in a steady never ending rhythm. After what feels like hours, Dr. Coburn returns with the lab results. You are already aware of the fact, that your sense of time is screwed. Your mind is exhausted by the ongoing stress that you have to endure.

"Alright, you were right Betty, another round today again. Almost same settings like yesterday, but take potassium 0.8 points down and the flow like 5% up."

"Every thing set."

"Can you send Coby in for me?"

"Yep, of course."

You hear how Dr. Coburn leaves the room and some moments later you hear a swift step approaching.

"Ah Betty my sweety, what've you got for me?"

Betty snorts and chuckles, as she is preparing the dialysis machine and the wires and tubes.

"Always the gentleman, Coby. You know I love ya, right?"

"My pleasure!"

Betty chuckles again.

"Please be gentle with her, she is really a poor thing."

"Yeah I know, she is sadly a permanent user of your gentleness. How long is she here now?"

"Tomorrow the 4th week starts."

"Oh god. So you wait for her to wake up, as I heard?"

"Yeah, the chatter already reached your section, huh?"

Coby chuckles.

"Oh yes, you know the ladies. But to work on your section today is really amazing, I missed you buddy."

"Yeah stop bootlicking me and prepare the set."

"Alway the boss, Betty."

You hear them working on your injection port on your left collarbone, like yesterday. Almost without one word, the two nurses finish to connect you to the dialysis machine.

"Alright, everything set, arterial flow is good, pump is moving. Thank you, Coby."

"Your welcome, angel."

"Oh get your ass out of here you cheese ball."

"Oh I'm running."

You hear his swift steps vanishing and listen to Betty's work. The head section of you bed moves up and Betty tries to shift your body a little.

"Ok Jennifer, I hope you feel comfortable. The dialysis is running now. Dr. Coburn will return any minute and test if you can show us some signs, ok? So get ready to impress us!"

'I will try!'

She leaves the room and you are alone again. Alone with the sounds of the machines, the slight gurgling of the dialysis, the hissing of the ventilation, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the faint hum of the medication pumps. The sound of the hallway and the rest of the ICU gets through to you from time to time. Voices and working sounds. Steps and shutting doors. One of the steps are growing louder. Dr. Coburn is returning.

"Hey there again. Alright Agent Jareau, I hope you did your exercises to show me some reactions.

I begin with your eyes again."

'No.. not again.'

But it already happens. The bright light is stinging in your eyes, on top Dr. Coburn flashes over your eye with a pen-light. Great. The procedure is repeated with the other eye.

"Ok so far. Your eyes are still sleeping, huh?"

You feel how he grabs your left hand and probably the right one too, but you can't feel it.

"Please squeeze my hands now, Jennifer."

You try as hard as you can to force your muscles to contract. But you fail, again.

"Alright, you are doing great. You will soon be able to squeeze my hand, I have faith in you."

'Yeah... I already heard that. If you believe so...'

You are depressed. You know there won't be any reaction from your body, to any of his tests, that he will do on your body. He also does test the reflexes and some other stuff. When he puts his stethoscope on your bare chest, you almost want to jump again. You hate that. It is cold and you have no warning before it comes.

"Ok, your lungs are not pretty, do you know that? We have to work on that one a little bit better!"

He moves the sheet over your bare chest again and begin to stroke your left arm.

"Alright Agent Jareau, I will see you later."

When you hear him leaving something stops his movement.

"Can I help you Ma'am?"

"Uhm..."

"Ah wait, you must be Agent Prentiss right? How could I forget, I had a week off, I'm sorry."

'Prentiss? Emily? No way, really? Emily please... help me!'

"Aw, don't be, it's alright. So, how is she today?"

"Well, she is doing ok. She is on dialysis again and she developed a pneumonia again. But Agent Jareau is off sedation since yesterday!"

"Yes, I heard that. That is great news. So I wanted to check on her by myself."

"You'd do that! She isn't showing any signs of waking up yet, but it is possible every minute, so be aware."

"Ah I see, I'm alert."

You hear his familiar walking sound leaving.

'Emily...!'

Emily is walking to your side of the bed. She is silent for moments.

'Em...say something!'

Finally you feel her hand connecting with your left, gently stroking it. Slowly the touch slides away and her hand is touching your face, tenderly she cups your cheek.

"Hey JJ."

'Oh Emily please help me! I need you to do something.'

The moments go by as she is stroking over your head, moves your hair behind your ear. Suddenly you hear a sob, followed by a sniff. That's not like Emily. It hurts you to hear her cry. The lump in your throat is there again. She is not crying loud, it is a silent, faint mourning sound.

"JJ."

You barely can hear her. She squeezes your hand again, as she sits down on the chair near by the bed.

"You have to wake up, JJ, do you hear me?"

'Emily I wish you could hear me, notice that I can hear you, that I am aware, that I want to wake up. I want nothing more than that in the world.'

"It's breaking my heart to see you like this. For weeks. This is not you. We need you back!'

On top on your own emotions, Emily's are making you more depressed than ever. You cannot bear to hear her like that. The strong woman you know, sitting sobbing, almost broken, by your side. But somehow you feel some kind of strength growing out of that moment. You want nothing more than to wake up, wake up to be able to be there for Emily, one of your best friends. It is breaking your heart, too, to hear her so helpless. As much helpless as you are. Sometimes life is a bitch. And then something happens that rips you out of every thought.

"JJ! Oh no, no, no... Please somebody help! Inside here, HELP!"

The heart monitor is going crazy, the ventilator is beeping in alarm. Your whole body is convulsing. Your mind gets dizzy, the sounds are just muffled ones. You cannot make out separate voices, but there are many as a matter of fact. You feel hands on you, somebody is shouting commands. But the seizure continues. You feel how an awful feeling returns, one that you dreaded before. Suffocating. The oxygen level is painfully dropping. The head section of your bed is lowered, somebody is attaching something to your ET-tube. But you are already gone very far. The darkness is pulling you down. The last thing you feel, how somebody is pressing on your chest again. It doesn't matter, you are finally in a peaceful state. You are free. Finally.

**A/N Uh Oh! Again a cliffhanger! :) I didn't mean to write it that way, well now it is done *evil grin* Because of the request to bring Emily in I did so. I love Emily too so it was for me easy to write. Thank you for your support, the reviews and reading this story! I really appreciate it! **


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Thank you for your reviews! I ended the last one with a cliffhanger that wasn't planned, so here comes what came next in my mind. Please review! Enjoy!

This happened before. It is weird. It is like a déja vu. You are surrounded by darkness. Numb. Everything is numb. Are you dead now? Why is your mind still functioning. You don't know. But as you are aware of something different, you recognized this situation. What happened? You can't hear anything. Or... do you? Wait. There it is again, like last time. A faint sound in the distance. You are confused, but try to gain anything that helps you to understand. Slowly your body sends you information about your condition. Are you lying? Yes, obviously still lying. Pain. You feel pain.

The last time you were able to feel pain was... Oh my god. What is going on? And then slow but steady you feel how you are starting to become more aware. Aware that your head hurts like hell. That you have something in your throat. But right after this sensation you feel slight panic rise in your gut. Breath, take a breath Jennifer. Your chest is following your command. You are stunned, but you are too busy to think about that. There is nor effect, no air. Then finally, air rushes in your lungs, you are relieved for a moment. But it was not your own body that transported the air into your lung. Right away after a short moment, the urge to take a breath is there again. The panic grows, you are tense, agitated. Almost automatic your arm starts to rise to get a grip on that damn tube. You are struggling, your arm feels really heavy. But then something else happens.

"JJ?!"

You know that voice...

'Hotch!'

The panic engulfs you. You feel how your body tries to struggle.

"JJ, please calm down! You are intubated and on ventilation!"

An alarm goes off. You know this sound. It is familiar to you. It feeds your panic even more. Your eyes still closed, your feel how Hotch is stopping your left hand from reaching the ET-tube. He places it in both of his hand and squeezes it slightly.

"Hold on JJ, please try to calm down."

"What is happening?"

You know that new voice from somewhere.

"I think she is waking up."

"Oh my... that is great."

'Really great... I have to get that damn thing out of my throat!'

Your body is still struggling and you are choking on that tube, trying to choke it out. The panic is pushing you forward, you can feel it through the exhaustion.

"Oh sweetheart... Jennifer? Can you hear me? You have to calm down. You are intubated, you are getting air through the tube in your throat."

"What's going on Betty?"

"Ewan, she is waking up, she fights the ET-tube."

"Sedate her."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes, this kind of struggle is not good right now. 3 mg Midazolam Betty."

"Alright."

"You are seriously sedating her? She is just waking up after 5 weeks! You cannot do that!"

You barely gather the conversation. The panic has you in its grip. Your chest is heaving eagerly to get some appreciated air into your lungs, despite the damn ventilator rhythm.

"Agent Hotchner, she has a panic attack now, I would rather give her another chance in a couple of hours to wake up under more controlled circumstances."

Hotch has still your hand tightly in his embrace, you feel him struggling with the doctor's decision. On the other side of the bed, Betty is working on what must be your central I.V. line. Hotch starts to stroke your cheek tenderly.

"It's gonna be alright, JJ. Try to calm down now, ok? I will be here when you wake up again. Don't worry."

A warm sensation spreads over your body. The need to choke ebbs away. Your hand feels heavier than before, Hotch has to hold it up completely. The ventilator is silenced now, takes over the breathing for you. The air is moving into your lungs, you notice how your body relaxes. Slowly you let yourself drift away. The sounds are barely to hear.

"Ok... she is out."

That is last you hear, when you fall completely limp and the darkness has you back again.

##

Voices. There are Voices. You remember. Your mind is gathering what is around you. Hospital. You are still in the hospital. The sound of beeping and the hissing of a ventilator get to your ears. You are incredible tired. Everything is fuzzy. But you are aware you are lying in an hospital bed. Then you have the urge to choke on the tube that is in your throat. That happened before. You feel somebody's hand on your left. The urge to choke develops in current action, your chest is heaving and your hand moves slightly, but is caught by the other hand immediately.

"JJ, eeeaasy, shhhh, it's alright. I'm here. JJ you are still intubated, try to relax ok?"

'Hotch!'

Instantly you try to open your eyes, but they are really heavy and you fail. But you try to get a grip on Hotch's hand, that is holding yours. And you manage a movement with your fingers.

"JJ, can you hear me?"

'Yes Hotch! Please help me!'

Again you try to squeeze his hand and finally there is a real reaction.

"Oh JJ! That is great. So listen to me. You are being ventilated. I know it is an odd feeling."

Still heaving your chest and choking on your tube, you try to listen to Hotch. Your small communication gave you enough assurance to hold on.

"Try to concentrate on the ventilation, like now … in... and out... in... and out."

To adapt to the rhythm isn't even that difficult and you manage to calm down. Hotch's starts stroking your arm.

"See, there you go."

The warning beeping of the heart monitor slows down and you feel how you start to relax. You hold your hand up to search Hotch's.

"I'm here JJ."

He engulfs your left hand with both of his. You almost want to cry in relief and feel how a faint lump in your throat is rising and your eyes begin to water. There are tears! You nearly can't believe it, your body is finally working, how it supposes to be! More tears are welling in your eyes and finally a drop is running down your cheek.

"It's ok JJ, I'm not going to leave you."

One hand of his releases his hold on your hand and Hotch is gently wiping your tear away.

"JJ? Can you open your eyes?"

'I will try again!'

You struggle. They are so heavy. You try to open them, but there is nothing more like a faint flutter. Then you hear someone coming.

"Dr. Coburn, Agent Jareau is awake. I got a respond from her."

"That is good news. Then lets see how she is doing."

You hear how Dr. Coburn is stepping to the side of your bed.

"Hello Agent Jareau, I'm Dr. Coburn. Can you squeeze your hands for me please?"

You squeeze as hard as you can.

"Alright, that was good. Please hold your left arm up as far as you can."

Your left arm feels still heavy, like every part of your body. Slowly you manage to hold it up.

"Thank you. Now the right arm."

Then it hits you. There was this time, you were aware of everything, lying in the ICU. Awful feelings are coming up right now. You weren't able to feel your right arm. That is still the case. As hard as you try, there is no reaction.

"Ok thank you. Please press your feet against my hands."

'Oh no...'

You don't even feeling your feet. This can't be true.

"Alright Agent Jareau, you did great. Now can you open your eyes for me please."

They begin to flutter, you try, and they flutter again. Some light is coming through your lids. And then finally you manage to open them. Everything is fuzzy and your eyes are burning. Blinking slowly the tears away, you open them a bit more. After some moments they are adapting and you can actually see something. It is your ET-tube and a large tube, that must be connected to the ventilator. Your gaze is wandering over to a large figure, black before the white wall. It is Hotch. He looks at you. You are blinking again, removing the rest fuzziness. After that you are able to see his face. He leans down to you and is stroking your arm.

"Welcome back, JJ."

And he smiles.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Hey, sorry for the big delay. I struggled with this chapter almost the entire time. There was some struggle in my life too, as always. Thank you for your reviews! So this is a bit short, because I was stuck! But now I will update it as it is, so enjoy it. Please review!**

The light is still stinging in your eyes and you blink the tears away that are welling. You try to focus on Hotch, on his face. You try to search some comfort. Scared, you are so damn scared of the reality that is now surrounding you. You didn't just opened your eyes, you open your eyes to the reality. But right as the fear and slight panic rushes through your stomach, Hotch must have seen it in your eyes. He takes your hand and squeezes it gently. You blink again, a tear is rolling down your cheek. His smile vanishes and a deep caring look is on his face now. He cups your hand with his second.

"It's ok JJ, you can let it go. You can relax. You won't be alone."

A slight movement from the other side of the bed gets your attention. It is the doctor. Your look shifts from Hotch reassuring face to the doctor.

"Agent Jareau, are you in any pain?"

And then you recognize you are. You are in pain. But all the other sensation made it less noticeable. It is your head that hurts. Actually it is bad. You blink, slowly you start to rise your left hand that is still in between Hotch's hands. He releases yours and you recognize his concerned look. You close your eyes and manage to rise your hand to the head.

"What it is JJ?"

"Agent Jareau, does your head hurt?"

Slowly you open your eyes again and you manage to nod slightly. Your hand stopped in the middle on the way to the head. Now you can see that your left hand, wrist and arm is connected to multiple tubes and wires. Reality. It hurts, it is uncomfortable and you are caught.

"Alright Agent Jareau, can you tell me how bad it hurts on a scale from 0-5? Sign with your fingers please."

You manage to show your score.

"Four?"

You nod.

"Alright. Do you have any other pain elsewhere?"

Slowly you can shake your head, but very slightly.

"Agent Jareau, I will give you some meds that will help to ease the pain ok?"

You close your eyes again to get the burning under control. Then Hotch cups your hand again and strokes it gently. You just want to sleep again, get away from the reality. But somehow the touch of Hotch's hand gives you a feeling from safety.

"Agent Jareau?"

The pain is now radiating through your head, after the bright light it seems to be worse. You keep your eyes closes, you even squeeze your eyes shut.

"Jennifer? Can you open your eyes for me again?"

The damn ventilation is bothering you again, you want to breath the pain away, but you are stuck in a never ending rhythm. So you notice how you begin to fight the incoming ventilation. You are so tired and you don't have the strength to struggle again.

"JJ?"

This time it is Hotch, who tries to reach you through the fog of pain and discomfort. You feel how his hand connects to your cheek.

"JJ, try to open your eyes again. Can you do that for me?"

This time his voice is really gently, you cannot remember that he ever used it to address you. The touch of his hand and his smoothing voice are calming you down. You manage to even your struggle with the ventilation rhythm again and adjusting it so that the current alarm of the machine stops. Someone is working on your central line, you feel some touching on your right neck.

"Agent Jareau, I'm injecting some pain killer now into your central line, it will help you feel better."

Hotch continues to stroke your cheek, slowly his hands connect with your left shoulder and his thumb is moving over your bare skin. The effect of the pain medication is washing over you. They are really working fast. You feel how that awful headache ebbs down to a dull throbbing. After some moments your eyes open again. The deep brown caring eyes of him are watching you. The eyes of Hotch, he smiles slightly, but his expression is concern. You blink.

"Are the pain meds working already?"

With a small nod you switch your gaze to the doctor, that is standing on the right side of the bed.

"Alright Agent Jareau, I want you to follow my finger please."

The small exercise makes your eyes burn again and you have to blink.

"Thank you. You did great. I will give you two some privacy now."

With that the doctor leaves the room. After a moment eyes closed, to ease the sensations, you turn to Hotch again. He looks down on you and his eyes are obviously searching something. You have to blink again, you are really tired, but you want to communicate with Hotch.

"I guess you already figured it out you are in the hospital. Actually in the ICU."

With a nodding sign, you search his hand with yours again. He encloses it, with his warm and soft hands. You connect with his eyes and try to ask with your eyes the all consuming question: 'How long?'

After a moment you know he understands.

"JJ."

Pleading, as far as you can, you try to signal him how bad you want the information.

"JJ, it is four weeks now. The accident was almost five weeks ago."

Your eyes closing you feel how the tears are welling up again. One is rolling down your cheek.

"It was close JJ. Very close. We almost lost you, not just once. There were more than one critical moment. You fought! You fought for your life JJ! You did great, you know that?"

You open your eyes again and look into Hotch's. Relief and hope is drawn over his face. Somehow you feel how it connects with you. You are alive! But for what price. You blink again and lower your look, but look up again to search his eyes. Then you try to tell him you want to know how you are, what about your sensation, you cannot feel your legs or your right arm. You release your left hand from his and touch your stomach, your right arm and make a sign to your legs. Slowly, but you can manage it. He sighs and his reassuring look fades slightly. His gazes lowers to his hands as he tries to form any words for this. After your gazes meet again, he takes your hand again, squeezing it tightly.

"You lost your right kidney because of the impact of the thick branch. That's why you were on dialysis, because your one left kidney wasn't able to do this amount of work."

He pauses.

"You have a persisting bleeding in the brain, you weren't stable enough to perform brain surgery and it wasn't showing any symptoms. The bleeding stopped, but it is still dangerous, because it can start again. That's why you were kept in a coma for that long time, to make sure it heals properly. But last week you had a seizure, so the doctors were not sure if it was because of the bleeding."

It is somehow odd to hear these things about yourself. You are really tired and close your eyes again. There was so much time passing by and you have no idea what happened. Just cut out of your life. A white spot on your map of life. You open your eyes and look right into Hotch's eyes.

He actually blinks and lowers his look. Stroking your hand as he continues.

"JJ... during that accident your spine was damaged."

You don't need to hear more. As you close your eyes, the water of the tears are streaming down your cheeks. You knew it.

"JJ, listen! The doctors said they aren't sure if it is permanent, they wanted to wait until you wake up. They repaired the damage as far as they could, but there is still a swelling. Your whole body is still in recovery."

Blinking the tears away, you sign Hotch you want to know what is going on with your right arm.

"Honestly I don't know JJ. Until you woke up, we didn't know you had a problem with your arm. It was severely damaged during the accident. The right side of the car was crushed into your side. So beside the thick branch, it was a major reason for your injuries."

You nod slightly. Too tired to hold on, your eyes close slowly almost by themselves. The sleep wants you back, you feel it. You manage to squeeze Hotch gently to reassure him you understood. But after that your mind drifts away into the dreamworld.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Hey, thank you for your reviews! This chapter will be a lighter one. I hope I still can enjoy you and that it doesn't get boring. Please review what you think and what you want to read. Maybe I can work it in in my next chapter. Have fun! **

"Yes, she woke up, but she is still on ventilation...she is sleeping right now... yes...she is doing ok so far...very weak though..."

It is Hotch talking. You hear him, you are half awake, your eyes still closed. You must have been asleep for a while. He talked to you probably already some time ago.

"...alright Prentiss, I'll keep you informed."

'Emily?'

But you hear how Hotch sighs and moves closer to your bed again. It must have been a phone call. The steady beeping of the machines and the hissing of the ventilation are the only sounds in the room. But you can almost feel how Hotch is watching you. Then you feel his hand gently squeezing yours. Slowly your eye lids begin to flutter. You blink and manage to open them. His thumb is stroking over the back of your hand. There it is, a rare, faint Hotch smile. The brown caring eyes are settled on your face.

"Hey."

You squeeze his hand back as a respond and blink.

"How are you feeling?"

'How am I feeling?'

You don't know, too tired to even aware of your body. But then you notice you are actually free of pain. You nod slightly.

"So, no pain?"

Shaking your head slightly, you close your eyes again. They are really heavy.

"That's great. So the pain medication is working. They set up a higher dose on the pump. That is probably the reason why you are so tired, aren't you?"

With opening your eyes you look at him and try to smile with your eyes as far as you can. And again, his lips form to a friendly smile. With this view in mind you close your eyes again and sleep overcomes you again.

##

"….potassium level 4.2 , haematocrit is still under level...arterial pressure is …...yes...MRI scan scheduled...Dr. Mouladi has ….alright...what about..."

There are pieces of words and sentences reaching you. Sounds, voices. Then it fades away again. But then you feel something cold on your chest and you are ripped out of you dimmed world of faint sensations. You twitch with your left arm. Then you can make out that there are several people in the room and around your bed. What is going on? Slowly you manage to open your eyes. Your most important communication tool right now.

"Well, great you can join us Agent Jareau. How are you feeling?"

It is your doctor that is speaking to you. Dr. Coburn. He is the one with the stethoscope that is right now connected with your chest. He leans over you and is smiling. You nod slightly.

"So you are still free of pain, that is great. We will adjust your ventilation to another mode, so that you can decide when you want to take a breath, do you understand?"

Nodding again you switch your gaze over to the other people. There is Betty, your nurse and a bunch of strangers you don't recognize.

"Alright. Mrs. Jareau please squeeze my hands as tight as you can."

You know that exercise. But still you can't feel the touch of his hand on your right hand. After the neurological examination, Dr. Coburn addresses you again.

"Agent Hotcher told me, he informed you about your main injuries."

You nod.

"Agent Jareau, I want to point out, that we cannot determine if you are going to be paralyzed. There is still a swelling in the injured area, that makes it impossible to tell. We have to wait until the swelling is gone."

He stops for a short moment to let you process the information. 'So am I going to be able to walk again?' But you have no time to think about that, because the next issue is being addressed.

"You can't feel or move your right arm, so we are going to make some tests and scans today, and with that we are going to make a current scan of your brain. Last week there was a little swelling going on, but we are convinced, that the swelling and the resulting seizure are because of the emergency dialysis. But to be sure, we will make some tests to verify that today."

He pauses.

"So there will be a lot going on today, but we will make sure you are doing fine, alright?"

You blink and nod. With these last words, he strokes gently over your shoulder and leaves the room with the others. That was very much information. Your mind is racing as fast as your condition it allows. But you are disturbed by Betty, who is rejoining you.

"Hey honey. That was pretty much input huh?"

She smiles and is checking on your central line, switching and pressing some buttons on your medication pumps.

"I will adjust your ventilation now ok? It will help you to wean off. To get off the ventilation and so start breathing on your own again."

You nod and watch how she walks over to the ventilation machine and is touching some settings into the program on the screen.

After a moment she is watching you and you are waiting for any change. And then you feel how the next ventilation push is missing. A short jolt of panic rushes through your stomach. You are suffocating again! No! But almost at the same time you feel how your body requires the air and you try to suck in some air, desperately. Not awaiting a change, you are surprised when it works. You are getting air inside by yourself, but at the same time you feel how the machine supports you and pushes some more air inside your lungs. That is crazy. This kind of emotional peak every time is wearing you out. You close your eyes and try to calm down your heart rate. Betty was the whole time by your side, trying to support you and told you what is happening. But you were in your own world again, trying to cope with this huge issue, that is called your life now. A small tear is rolling down your cheek. An evidence of your struggle, of your fight with the most normal things of the world, like breathing.

You finally notice how Betty tries to reach you and tries to get a respond of you.

"Jennifer?"

Finally you manage to calm down completely, well, as far as you can. You open your eyes. A concerned looking nurse is watching your reaction.

"You did great, honey!"

There is barely time for the moment to settle down, when another nurse and a younger doctor walk into the room.

"Ok, we are recalled for MRI."

And with that the staff begins to work on you and your machines. In between Betty manages to explain to you.

"JJ, we are moving you to the MRI now, we have to prepare you and all the machines for transport. That will take a while."

You nod and begin to watch them working. It doesn't last long, you feel the exhaustion overcoming you again. You start to blink several times, try to stay awake. Some how, you have the impression they gave you something to sleep. You don't care. You welcome the rest and the silence after all that stress. Even though it wasn't much time you were awake. But you have no energy to think about that and you drift into sleep.

###

"...Shh not so loud... you will wake her up Em..."

"What?! Who is babbling all the time, Pen."

"Ladies? Behave please. You know that she is in a weak condition."

"You hear the bossman, behave yourself!"

"Don't we want to have her awake anyway? I mean I watched her sleeping for enough time."

"Yeah, good point."

Slowly you process what is reaching your brain. Still sleepy, you are in no state to respond.

"...what ya saying?..."

"I mean will she will understand me?"

"Of course Garcia, she didn't lost her mind. She just can't speak right now, that's all."

"Oh. Right."

"Oh Pen, sometimes you are really too naïve for this world, aren't you."

"You guys don't understand..."

Finally your mind is working the incoming information. Emily. Penelope. They are here. Right beside you, talking. Slowly the fog is ebbing away and you have the urge to open your eyes.

"JJ?"

'Pen?'

Oh my god, she is really here.

"Common JJ, it's time to wake up for us!"

'Emily!'

The touch of a hand is connecting with your left. A soft skin. Not Hotch's. You slightly squeeze as a respond. Still to worn out to open your eyes, they are too heavy.

"Hey sweetheart, you can hear me right?"

It is Garcia, that is touching you. Some light is coming through your eye lids. Then you manage to open them completely.

"Oh JJ! I'm soo glad you are awake."

You blink. There. Next to the towers of machines, pumps and medical equipment is Garcia, smiling at you. Sniffing with tears in her eyes.

"Hey there!"

You squeeze your hand again responding. You are really happy to see her. But then you move your look to the other side of the bed. Black hair, black suit and deep brown caring eyes are watching you. She blinks. Some tears are forming in her eyes too. A smile runs over her face.

"Hey JJ!"

'Oh Emily, I wish I could talk to you right now, touch you, hug you in a tight embrace!'

She begins to stroke some of your hair behind your ear and cups your cheek with her hand.

"I missed you too!"

Obviously your look did say more than thousand words. Relief is washing over you. This moment is relieving. The anxiety is gone at this moment. You blink at the gaze of Emily. Then you recognize you are crying too. Some tears are running down. Gently Emily is wiping them away with her thumb. Silence settles in, beside the familiar beeping and sounds of the monitors and the ventilator.

"So how are you feeling, sugardrop."

You turn your head slowly to Garcia again and nod slightly. Closing your eyes, you almost want to sigh. The new adaptive ventilation is a real improvement and you don't feel that dependent anymore. But you don't have to express yourself more, Garcia got your face expression right.

"That is great."

She smiles. You feel how tired you are, still. There is not much time for you to be awake every time. Your body takes what it needs. You cannot fight it. You take a quick look around and find Hotch standing in the background leaning at the wall. Your eyes meet. He knows.

"Alright. I think that is enough, she is still very tired. Lets give her some rest."

If you could you would smile, but you watch Hotch's face and you can tell there was a twitch from his lips.

"Ok hon, hang in there. You are not alone, you know that right?"

After Garcia, Emily leans over to you and kisses your forehead. She smiles, cups your cheek one last time and stroke gently over your head. You blink as respond. The two woman leave the room. Hotch follows them, but turns around before the door.

"Get some rest."

Now, he is showing you a gentle and reassuring smile. Everything is going to be alright.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Hey, I'm so sorry for the lack of update. I had a massive writer block, I was stuck. I'm really surprised I got this chapter tonight, I hope you like it. Thank you for your last reviews, every single one makes my day! So please tell me what you think! Have fun!**

You are running, free, running as fast as your feet can carry you. The wind sweeps through your blond hair. You close your eyes and let the warm sun shine in your face. With every pace you feel how your body is vibrating in energy. You are free. Feeling relieved and happy.

BAM! It hits you.

Completely knocked off your feet, you hit the ground hard. The air is pressed out of your lungs, when you connect with the surface. Pain. Panic. Confused. You are confused. What is happening? Then you recognize it isn't warm anymore, instead of it, it is cold, chilly. And there is rain dropping down on your face. You squeeze your eyes shut and open them again to refocus. It is dark, cold and it rains. Slowly your gut is filling with panic and unease. Your breath hitches in your throat. Your throat is actually tightened, you cannot get any air inside. Desperately you move your hands to your throat to clear the tightening, the ring that strings your breath away. But then you notice it, you are sitting in the car again. Pinned down by the branch, stuck in the car seat. Bleeding. Still, you can't breath. The panic is overwhelming, you feel how your heart beat pounds in your head. Everything is turning, you feel drowsy and your stomach clenches itself. Your arms begin to tingle, you are lightheaded. You fight for any air to suck in. Strange voices shimmer through the air. Noise and sounds getting through the fog of confusion. Dark spots are dancing in front of your eyes and you try to pull your last energy to your fight. Hands are all over you. You try to fight them. You are in panic mode, wheezing for any air.

"JJ!"

You squeeze your eyes shut. The shadows in front of you are feeding the dread and torment, that are engulfing you.

'No no no... please stop this.'

"Agent Jareau!"

There it is again, somebody calling your name. You heard it right. You are not crazy! One of those hands on you is connecting with your cheek, when you notice a faint permanent sound, that was obviously there all the time.

"JJ! Wake up!"

Then suddenly you dive through all the fog, your eyes are shot open. The bright light is burning. Your chest is heaving, still struggling for air. Breath! The panic pushes itself beyond that terror and torment, that shoved you over the edge. You are agitated, people are hovering over you. Crazy beeping is shrilling through the air. All noises are overwhelming, your eyes wide open, searching for a fix point. Breath! You throat is still tightened.

"Give her something for gods sake."

A tall dark figure is now in your view, not quite clear.

"2 mg Lorazepam in her central line, quick!"

"JJ!"

You know that face and the voice. But everything is still blurred. You blink. Your chest is burning from the lack of air. You want to get up, but you feel how your body is too heavy, almost glued to the surface.

"Alright, medication is in now."

"Hey JJ, look at me."

Your mind is racing, the panic is still in place and your eyes darting around, from the dark figure to a white light and to something that is stuck in your mouth. Blinking again, you lift your arm up to pull that obstacle out of your throat, what you think is blocking your airway.

"No JJ, don't!"

A hand connects with yours and instantly you know that touch. For a brief moment you are snapped out of your mode and search for the face that belongs to that hand.

'Hotch!'

With pleading eyes you search for help to release the panic. But your throat is still tightened and you begin to struggle again. Trying to shake your head, you squeeze your eyes shut, pull and push with your hand on Hotch's.

"Shhhh JJ, try to calm down!"

With eyes wide open, still in panic, you notice the other people standing beside you. Why aren't they helping you? What is going on?

'I can't breath!'

"Why isn't the sedation working?"

You see how Hotch glares around to the other people.

"Give her a moment."

'Hotch help me!'

Again you try to get in touch with him. But you squeeze your eyes and press your head into the pillow. The heart is pounding in your chest. You feel the blood rushing through your head. With a last effort you try to free you hand from Hotch's and pull on that thing that is blocking your airway.

"No JJ! Don't pull your ET-tube!"

Then suddenly you feel drowsiness washing over you. Your hand sinks back to your body, where it is gently lifted into both of Hotch's hands again. He strokes with his thumb over the back of your hand.

"There you go JJ."

You blink and you feel the panic ebbs away. A calm and relieving sensation is now filling your body. Hotch cups your cheek with his hand and is stroking it gently. You look into his deep brown caring eyes, as you notice a tear is running down your cheek. A result of your struggle.

"It's ok now."

You close your eyes, but you feel how something cold connects to your chest. Looking up, you get agitated again, seeing a stranger hovering over you. He smiles.

"Agent Jareau, do you know where you are?"

Desperately you search his face and then your eyes are darting around. Finally they come to a rest on Hotch's face. With a pleading gaze, you search for comfort.

'What is going on? Where am I? What happened?'


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Hey, thank you for your reviews! They are pushing me forward, so keep reviewing :) I know JJ is really messed up right now, but you have to hold on! For her! So here is another chapter, have fun!**

'What is happening?'

Your mind is fuzzy, more and more you start to relax, even though you are somehow highly distressed about what is going on around you. You see how Hotch is talking to you, but you lying in a bed, not able to do anything, your breathing controlled by a tube in your throat. The stranger in a white coat beside you tries to gain your attention.

"Agent Jareau, do you know where you are?"

You shake your head slowly.

"Alright. Do you know who I am?"

Again, you shake your head. The stranger exchanges looks with Hotch. They both frown and have concerned expressions on their faces. Your eyes jump from one to the other and you feel how you want to express and feel the turmoil under your surface. But it is pressed down by something. You are still weirdly relaxed and calmed down. You hate it.

"JJ, do you know what happened?"

Hotch is now leaning over you and his eyes are full of worry. You close your eyes as tears are rolling down your cheek. You don't know what happened and you don't know what is happening right now. Why some stranger is asking you weird things and why you are lying in a bed. Preferably you want to disappear right now. Slowly you shake your head and open your eyes again. Hotch's gaze is switching between your eyes, he obviously searches your face for something. Then he strokes gently over your arm and sighs. He looks to the stranger with a questioning look. You observe the two, but the tiredness is now overwhelming.

"Let's have a talk outside."

Both men move away from your bed, leaving you alone in your poor situation. You close your eyes and wish just to vanish from this place. You try to welcome the darkness of sleep. And finally you are sinking into unconsciousness.

###

"...yeah Strauss was really tame, I think you owe me something Hotch..."

"We talk about that later."

"So what happened with her earlier?"

"The doctors are not quite sure."

"How is that?"

"Dave, it's complicated."

"I already figured that out."

"She couldn't remember anything, she was totally distressed as she woke up. She seemed off."

Some voices rip you out of your sleep. You are again totally exhausted and you feel your body is lying heavy on the surface. Your mind isn't processing the information yet.

"So yesterday she could communicate with you guys?"

"Yes, definitely, she was aware that she is in the hospital, she was accustomed to the staff. But earlier it was if all that didn't happened to her."

"Oh, poor kiddo."

You feel how someone touches you. It is a gentle touch, warm. Your hand is cupped by the touch and you feel how stroking is slowly pulling you out of the fog of sleep. You stir.

"The doctor wants to prevent another panic attack. She is on permanent slight sedation now, because her circulation is still weak and she is dependent on medication to keep it upright."

"Hmm, I see. But she can wake up?"

Slowly your mind drifts into processing mode. The voice you hear is familiar.

"Well, lets see how it goes."

Hotch, there is Hotch, but the other male, you know him too. It is a calm and reassuring voice. You feel safe right now.

"Hey kiddo, what do you think about to open your eyes for me?"

'Dave!'

You are excited, but confused. You feel how air is pushed inside your lungs, your breathing is taken over. It is weird. To ease your confusion you try to open your eyes. With a frown you manage how some light slips through your eye lids.

"Ah, there you go, JJ. I'm glad to see your wonderful blue eyes."

The light is burning in your eyes and you need some moments to adjust to the new picture. But then there he is, standing beside you, leaning over you.

"It's alright, you are safe here."

Slowly you blink the drowsiness away.

"Yeah I know, you are tired."

You nod slightly. But then you start to get other information, you feel a tube in your throat and your whole body is connected to wires and tubes. You look around. Hospital. What...? What happened. You get agitated.

"Shhh JJ, it's ok."

It's Hotch now who is speaking to you. But your eyes are darting around, assessing everything you can get in your view. But at the same time you feel how everything is still slowed down. Then you feel a hand connecting with your right shoulder.

"JJ, look at me!"

Hotch snaps you out of your slight panic. Your eyes meet.

"JJ, listen. You are in the hospital, in the ICU. You had a car accident 5 weeks ago! You were in a coma."

'What?'

You are in shock. It seems as the time stands still for a moment. You don't take your eyes off Hotch's face.

'No, no, no...that can't be true. I just was with you guys, just yesterday.'

A rapid beeping is now blaring through the room. And you see how Hotch turns his look to the monitors that are next to you. You stare into the air, still not comprehending what was just said to you. You feel the urge to breath quicker, but you are struggling with it. Finally you feel how the oxygen fills your lungs. You close your eyes. This is too much for you right now.

"JJ, kiddo, ssshhh, it's ok, do you hear me? Try to calm down."

You shake your head and tears are forming, you open your eyes and blink them away. Staring onto the ceiling, you feel how Dave is cupping your face in his hands and he turns your head to him.

"JJ, you are on the ventilator right now, don't try to fight it. It's alright, you are going to be alright. You hear me?"

Squeezing your eyes shut and pressing the tears out of them, you nod slowly. You are crying now, intensely. Exhaustion is growing again. Both men try to sooth you, Dave is holding your hand and you squeeze back. Trying to take a hold, a hold on the situation.

After a moment you hear a third person talk. You are half on the way into sleep again.

"Everything alright gentlemen?"

"She just woke up again."

"Oh, I see. And how is she doing?"

"She was shocked by the news of her accident and time in the hospital. So I guess, she is still not present with her psychical condition."

"Ok, I saw her vitals going up on the overview monitor, so I thought I should check on her."

"Yes, she was in slight panic again despite of the sedation pump."

"Yes, that can happen. We don't want to shoot her completely off with that stuff, so it's only a mild sedation."

You only get phrases of what is spoken. You are too tired. But you wonder about the phrase 'woke up again' Why would that be, you can't remember that you woke up before. Who is that woman? Maybe your nurse. Besides the hand that is holding yours, you feel another touch on your body.

"Hey JJ, can you open your eyes for me?"

That brings you out of your way to sleepiness. Your eyes flutter open and you try to focus on the woman that leans over you. She smiles at you.

"Do you know who I am?"

You shake your head. You are confused.

'Why would I know that?'

"I'm Betty, your nurse."

You frown. Something feels odd. You would give everything to be able to speak right now, but you know with that ventilation tube in your throat, it's not going to happen. You blink and switch your gaze to the wall. You are hating that you are so sleepy, everything is fuzzy and you can't get a grip on a clear thought.

"What's bothering you? Are you in pain?"

You look at her again and shake your head. You close your eyes and shake your head slowly again. Then you decide to let the sleep take over.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Hey, thank you for following and fav my story. It kept me motivated, as much as a review does. But more reviews = more motivation and I will write and write and write. I'm so excited about the story right now, I got a new push I guess. Honestly one week ago I almost was about to end that story. But now, I want to write it, let it flow. So here is the result, a new chapter for you. Enjoy!**

You are lying barely awake and with eyes closed. You don't want to answer questions, you don't know the answer to. So you chose to be to yourself, despite your excitement about the presence of your friends. In your sleepy state of mind, you are racing through thoughts and try to process what you experienced.

You still are confused. Accident. Coma. 5 fucking weeks. What the hell? It doesn't make any sense to you. The weird behavior of your nurse comes on top of all. You are feeling unease about the whole situation, something is off. Somehow you know that person Betty very well. The voice. It is familiar. But before you come to any conclusion, she enters the room and interrupts the chat between Rossi, Reid and Emily.

"Hey there."

"Oh hi Betty."

"Hey Dr. Reid, how are you holding up? Do you have some fancy information for me ready?"

You hear chuckles from the others.

"Just joking, ya know?"

"It's ok Betty, I'm accustomed to that."

"So, how is JJ doing? We have big plans for her today, so I need her awake, lets see how she is."

'Damn'

"She is asleep since an hour or so."

The last thing you want right now. But you feel already the touch of Betty on your skin.

"Hey sweetheart, can you open your eyes for me?"

Opening your eyes, you look up to see her leaning over you.

"Hey."

Betty is now adjusting some settings on your machines and turns to you again.

"Listen, Dr. Coburn will join us soon and we will try to extubate you."

You don't know how to react, on the one hand you are excited about finally getting that damn thing out of your throat, on the other hand you are highly scared, scared of suffocating, not being able to breath on your own. You have no clue why you think and feel both of that ways. Eventually you nod.

"Great. I will explain soon how we will proceed ok?"

Then you see how a man enters the room, you don't recognize him.

"Hi everybody. Ok lady and gentlemen, can you please wait outside while we are treating Agent Jareau?"

Your eyes widen in fear and dart around to search him. To search Hotch. He is your anchor, your safe haven. He is right now the one you need, you cannot let him leave the room. With pleading eyes you connect with his gaze. He understands.

"Dr. Coburn, may I stay? I think Agent Jareau wants to."

In confusion Dr. Coburn turns to you and try to read your face.

"Agent Jareau?"

You only nod to him and signal with your expression your feelings. Dr. Coburn sighs and touches your shoulder.

"Alright, no worries Agent Jareau, Agent Hotcher will be here for you, if you need him."

Relief. You are relieved and after your short communication with Dr. Coburn you search Hotch's face again. You slowly lift your hand and signal him to come closer. As his hands squeeze yours you close your eyes for a moment and the knot in your stomach is loosing a little bit.

Next to you, Betty is preparing everything that is necessary for the extubation on a small cart. Out of the corner of your eyes you watch her cautionary. You hate the whole hospital stuff, tubes, wires, invasive machines, that are hurting and stinging somewhere in your body, taking over your body functions or monitoring them. You are wired everywhere. Then Betty begins to work on one of those invasive stinging tubes.

"Ok honey, I'm drawing some blood from your arterial line to check on your blood oxygen level and the other gases."

Because Hotch is holding that particular hand, where the arterial line is connected to, you feel how his grip is loosing. With an apologizing look Hotch strokes one more time over your arm and makes space for the nurse to work. He moves to the foot end of the bed and is watching every step. You switch your looks between him and what is done with your body.

"Agent Jareau, I'm going to check your lungs one more time alright?"

With that Dr. Coburn removes the bed sheet and hospital gown from your chest and the cold stethoscope connects with your warm skin. You watch his face and expressions eagerly. During his examination his browns are knitted together. A slight sweep of fear runs through your stomach. Then he looks up, as Betty returns with the results of the quick blood gas analysis.

"Alright, she is a little bit acidic, but only a few. Partial CO2 is alright, but oxygen is still the same low as this morning."

Dr. Coburn removes the stethoscope and hangs it around his neck. He takes the results and is reading it with a concentrated look on his face.

"Hmmm. Lets see."

He walks over to the display of your ventilator and checks again the settings.

'What is wrong?'

You search Hotch's gaze, he notice you and moves to your right side. He gently touches your right shoulder, aware of the amount of tubes of your central line, that lay spread out on your pillow.

"It's alright JJ, they are just checking if your body receives enough oxygen and if they can risk to extubate you now. Because after that, you have to do the work on your own again and that can result in poorer provide of oxygen, you know?"

You close your eyes and nod slowly. You want to reach his arm with your right hand. But nothing happens. What the... You frown. You try to move your hand again. Nothing. Fear. Panic. Dread. All of that is flashing through you.

'No no no... Oh my...What is wrong with me?'

Your eyes widen in panic as you try to move your head to see what is wrong with your right arm, because except you can't move it, you notice you don't feel anything. There is a big cast on your arm and it is laid down on a pillow. And you can't even feel that. Your breathing quickens. Then you hear the nurse and doctor talking to you. Beeping sounds awake again. Everything blurs. You see how Hotch is trying to reach you, as he bows down and moves in your line of sight. He cups your face with both hands, eagerly to reach you through the fog that is forming.

Then you hear bits and pieces of what is spoken.

"...JJ...hear...gent Jareau... me?...heartrate... her some...pressure down...give her …...and a bolus ….quick... JJ?"

Hands are all over you. From deep down in your mind an information makes it to the surface: You have been in this moment before. More panic grows and is engulfing you completely. Your eyes dart around, try to get a grip on something. Your heart is racing. Your left hand struggles to reach your mouth. The breathing tube is annoying you. Just take it out! You squeeze your eyes shot because of the pain that suddenly rushes through your chest. It hurts, badly! You are suffocating! More beeping is shrilling through the air. You sense how the staff gets more agitated.

"Why... and …..is she even able to...NOW!...hold her... JJ!...oh no no no..."

Then everything goes black.


	12. Chapter 12

Waking process is a really confusing thing. You are somehow aware, but somehow you aren't. Some information are filtered, some aren't. And all in all it becomes more confusing and you are doubting yourself, your consciousness. Like now. You know you were sleeping real deep. You feel groggy, exhausted. Barely able to gather your surroundings. But step by step, minute by minute, another feeling, sensation, sound or … pain. Your head hurts like hell. It is pounding. By the same time you remember something. Hospital. ICU. The last time you were awake you were in the ICU, in pretty crappy shape. You were ventilated... and still are. This fucking breathing tube is still inside your body and your body feels like it is pulled down even more, despite the fact, that you are already lying.

Sounds are welling now to your mind, sounds you are able to process. Steady beeping. The hissing of the ventilator. In... and …. out. You struggle. You want to swallow, but end on choking on your breathing tube. You are scared, scared to suffocate, again. Your mind is playing with you. You try to calm yourself down and adjust to the rhythm. But you are still choking. It isn't working. You feel how your throat tightens and you panic. Your body becomes more awake with that adrenaline that is now rushing through your veins. The beeping becomes faster. Your chest is heaving, trying to get some air inside, despite the rhythm of the damn ventilator.

And then you feel a push of energy, that your body provides you in the last effort in panic. You raise your left hand and get a grip on that fucking breathing tube and you pull as hard as you can. First you are too weak, but then the panic pushes you over the edge and in your survival mode you rip that damn thing out of your throat. You have to cough violently and choke. But there is no air in your lungs left to cough out. Your are heaving your chest, violently. Your lungs are burning. Shrill sounds are blaring from the machines that surround you.

Your left arm lays limp on your chest, still that ET-tube in your hand. The straps and holdings of the tube are still around your head and you feel another tube still in your mouth, that lays down in your throat. But you don't care, you don't have even the time to care. Everything hurts right now, your head is exploding because of the struggle, your lungs are burning and your rib cage is aching hard. Wheezing for air, you feel how some of it comes into your lungs. But it is barely enough. Your heart is racing, you feel how your mind slowly gets fuzzy.

People are streaming in your room. Doctors, nurses, Hotch... You almost are not able to notice them.

"JJ!"

You are in utterly panic to get some air into your lungs. Your chest still heaving, your lower jaw is tense, every damn muscle is working to get more air.

"Oh no..."

"JJ!"

"Get her head lowered!"

"Sedation bolus ASAP!"

Hands are touching you everywhere. You feel how the head section of the bed is lowered, people are shouting commands, noises and sounds of the machines are loud, chaos.

"Oh geez honey, what have you done!"

"We need to suction her!"

Somebody grabs your hand and removes what is left of the ET-tube. You are limp, motionless, beside your breathing muscles that are on exhaustion.

"I need a mask! Get an intubation set ready!"

Somebody grabs your chin and pulls your head backwards. Before you recognize, a large mask is placed over your mouth and nose and pressed down. Your eyes dart around.

Then air is pushed down your throat, but you feel how everything is tense. You are still in utter panic. Your brain sends you new survival instincts and you try to grab the mask on your face with your hand, to move it away. To get more space for air. You feel as if the mask is suffocating you more, than it gives you ease.

"Hold her arm down!"

A firm grip on your arm removes it from your face. You try to fight with your shoulders, try to squirm and turn your head. But the hands that are holding the mask have a tight hold on your head.

"Betty! The sedation! Somebody needs to hold her down! Agent Hotchner come over, help to hold her tight please."

Within your fighting and squirming you cannot make out any words that make sense to you. But then you feel a pair of hands pushing both of your shoulders down, you try to squirm under it away. But the grip is too tight.

"JJ!"

A warm voice is calling you. But right then you feel how another warm feeling is slowly spreading through your body.

"Ok, sedation is beginning to work, we need to intubate now, oxygen level is alarmingly low. Laryngoscope please!"

Then you feel something awful, besides the dull feeling that begins to blur your mind. Someone is pushing your chin down and opens your mouth and something cold is shoved inside your mouth down to your throat. Your eyes begin to flutter.

"ET-Tube."

You try to raise your arm again to fight that intruding object that is now shoved down your throat. You choke. Your chest heaves.

"What are you doing, she isn't fully sedated by now and you intubate her?"

It is Hotch's voice, you recognize it. But you are too tired.

"She is out any second and she needs desperately oxygen."

Your arm is now half on the way to your head, when you feel familiar hands cupping yours and holding it.

"Hold on JJ, it's almost done."

'…...Hotch...'

The urge to choke is barely present anymore, when a tube is slipped down your throat even further. You are glad to be on the way to unconsciousness.

"I'm in, ventilation!"

The last thing you notice is the precious air, that is finally reaching your lungs.

###

The time you wake up, you can barely get a grip. Your body is completely limp. Your eyes still closed, you try to assess your surroundings. The familiar sounds of the ICU, the tubes and wires on your body. Ventilation. ET-tube. Great. But you are too exhausted to care about that. You are even to tired to open your eyes.

Your throat is sore and your head pounds like hell. The aftermath of your little exercise earlier, you think. It still sends you shivers down your spine, to think about what happened. You really don't want to relive that again. Every time that anxiety drives you crazy, is too much for you. Your body is weak and your mind needs a break.

A sound, that is definitely not from your medical machines, takes your attention. Someone is sitting next to you, typing on a phone. You stir and turn slightly your head. Everything is really slow. The person shifts in its seat. You move your head again and the person is moving to your left side, touching your hand.

"JJ?"

'Hotch!'

Your eyes are still too heavy to open, but you squeeze his hand as respond. He moves some hair of yours behind your ear and strokes over your head. Then you feel how his lips connect to your head, with a single kiss on your hair. Gently he is stroking your cheek.

"Oh JJ, you gave us quite a scare earlier."

With a last effort you can open your eyes a bit, you blink slowly. His face is full of worry, as your eyes meet. There is also emotional pain, it remembers you of the face of him as you told the team in NY you are pregnant and he didn't know. It hurts you too, to see him so fragile, emotional hurt. But you can only hold up your eyes short, they are already falling close again.

"You are sedated JJ, you are really in a bad shape and we thought we almost lost you again. Do you remember what happened before your little incident with your breathing tube earlier?"

Slowly you open your eyes again, to search his and you shake you head slightly.

"You had a panic attack, remember? And then you went unconscious."

Then you remember. Your right arm, that was numb and after that utter panic. The pain in your chest and then everything went black. You nod.

"You had a lung embolism, JJ. It was almost lethal. They managed in a emergency procedure to get that clot out of the pulmonary artery and saved your life."

Almost lethal. Oh my … and you thought you would be out of the woods or something like that. So that life you endure like now, connected to medical machines, tubes and wires is still at risk. You blink again and close finally your eyes.

"That was a few days ago. We were scared we could lose you after all this struggle."

He squeezes your hand and cups it with his second.

"JJ."

Your eyes flutter open again.

"Do you remember what happened, why you are in the hospital?"

Why would he ask me that, you already know that, he told you when you first woke up. You frown and search Hotch's face for any clue. He notices your sudden change in your expression.

"You do remember, do you?"

You nod.

"Are you certain? There was a time you weren't yourself, JJ. You were confused and tended to panic easily. Are you aware of your spine injury?"

How could you forget you are possibly paralyzed and you nod. He sighs and a faint smile flashes over his lips.

"Welcome back JJ."

You don't know what he meant by that. With his hand stroking over your head, your eyes are closed again and you drift into sleep.

**A/N Alright, that was drama! I'm really pushing JJ around, but if you want to read flowers and butterflies you are at the wrong address with me lol :) But I can say the next chapters are going to be easier for JJ. So no worries. Thank you for reading, following, fav and review! You see I'm totally excited about the story. So keep on reviewing! Thank you!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Hey, here is the next chapter. Thank you for your reviews and please keep reviewing. It makes my day! Enjoy!**

Finally back in your room, Betty and another nurse manage to work all the tubes and wires. You barely were awake on the way to the MRI and back. It took several people to transfer you in your bed and the whole amount of machines to the radiology. You just got bits and pieces of your surroundings during your little vacation. The sedation pump is still in place and you are too tired to open your eyes longer than a few minutes.

"Ok, everything is back in place now. I will put you off sedation now, Dr. Coburn wants to talk to you later, so you need to be more awake than now."

You slowly nod and she smiles. But then her faces shows a concerned look, when the other nurse puts something on your bed.

"Alright hon, now listen to me real carefully please. You know why you are on sedation?"

'Well, yes and no'

You can't really think much with that stuff streaming through your veins and dulling your mind. You only blink.

"You are on sedation for your own good, sweetheart. You had some panic attacks and panic episodes. One of them caused your lung embolism, what almost killed you."

That is familiar to you and you can remember too well how the anxiety felt like.

"When we are reducing the sedation now, there is a risk you you can get again into panic mode. We have to take that risk to see how you really are, without a foggy mind. But to your own protection we will put a restraining on your left hand in place alright?"

Restrain? But why? You are not suicidal, at least not now. You frown.

"It is for your own good, sweetie, ok?"

And without even a consent of yourself, the second nurse begins to put the restraining bond on your lower arm. Mindful of the arterial tube and wires that are connected on your wrist. You search for Betty's look. She is holding your hand in place, so that you can't move. A small amount of fear is welling through your gut. You aren't feeling well. As a result you hear the beeping of the monitor.

"Oh hon, listen. We don't want to harm you ok? But when you are not yourself and in panic mode, there has to be a way at least to secure the tubes and wires, even when we are not around you."

Somehow you understand Betty, but you are not fine with that. You blink and switch your gaze to your arm, where the other nurse is still restraining you. Then you feel the anxiety growing in you. This is not right. You pull your arm out of the grip from Betty. You are surprised how much power you can exert despite the sedation. Both nurses turn their heads towards you with an concerned expression.

"No no no, JJ. Come on."

You are shaking your head, tears are following. The anxious feeling is fully present now. You struggle your arm free of their grasp, but without any success. Both have now a really tight grip on your arm and they are pulling it down into the linking of the restraining.

"Go, get Agent Hotchner in here, when someone can help, it is him. I don't want to sedate her again, it won't do her any good."

Betty shouts to the other nurse, then she tries to reach you.

"Hey honey, shhh it's alright, please try to calm down. We won't hurt you! This is for your own good. We want you to get better!"

In fact you can hear her, but you don't want to. The panic is still rising in your gut, but some of the sedation is still pushing it down. Your arm is still pulled down by Betty, that is talking to you, trying to sooth you. But you shake your head, you continue to. You squeeze your eyes shut, try to escape. Then you hear his voice. Calm, soothing, caring. Your safe place.

"Hey."

You stop shaking your head and open your eyes. Tears are streaming down your cheeks, a lump is built in your throat. If you weren't ventilated you would sob. The beeping of the machines died away.

"JJ, look at me."

Blinking the tears away, you turn your head to face him. You relax a little bit and in the same moment you feel how the second nurse begins to work on your restraining again. You turn your head away from Hotch, to look what they are doing.

"Shhh, calm down JJ, come on look at me."

You feel how his hands cup your face and they are turning it to him, to look at him.

"It is alright, it won't hurt you. There is nothing to be afraid of, alright?"

With his thumbs he strokes over your cheeks, while he touches you.

"They are restraining you to help you JJ. It won't do you any good, when you rip any of your tubes again like yesterday. You are in a so damn fragile state, you have to be careful!"

Slowly his touch and his voice are taking the anxiety, that is wrenching your gut. You search his eyes and then you close yours, as more tears fall down. This is too much for you. This emotional roller coaster is taking its toll. You are totally worn out. You finally feel how the restraining bond is enclosing your arm and the nurses are stopping to hold you down. You are totally limp now. Exhausted.

"It's ok JJ. It will get better, I promise you. You are not alone to fight this. Do you hear me?"

You open your eyes again and look in his deep brown caring ones. He still has your face cupped between his warm gentle hands. You nod slowly and a faint smile is crossing his lips.

"There you go JJ, you are doing great!"

You let go and feel how any anxiety is gone. He actually guided you out of an panic attack. And for that you are incredibly grateful.

#

Some hours later, the dulling effect of the sedation is totally gone. You are awake and somehow you are not happy with that. Your head hurts like hell and the ventilation pressures are hurting, too. Hotch is in his usual chair beside your bed, as you try to make contact with him.

"What is it JJ?"

You want to reach your head, but end up to be hold by the restrains. If you could you would sigh. You squeeze your eyes shut.

"I know JJ."

Then he watches you carefully, as you stare onto the ceiling and search for any way to tell him.

"Are you in pain?"

You nod and are glad he can read you like a book.

"Ok, I'll be right back."

After some moments he returns with Dr. Coburn following.

"Hello Agent Jareau. Agent Hotchner told me you are in pain?"

You nod as he moves to your monitors and takes a look on all the parameter.

"Ok, then lets find out where it hurts."

With that he begins to open your restraining bond and you are really happy about it. Slowly you raise your arm and massage your eyes, because they are burning. You squeeze them shut again.

"Your head hurts."

Still eyes closed, you nod.

"Alright, I will give you a bolus with your medication pump. When the meds will kick in, I will come back to examine you. Now you are fully awake I want to talk to you about your injuries and the test result we made the last couple of days, alright?"

You look at him and signal him you understood. He moves to the medication pump tower and is pushing some buttons.

"Ok, Agent Jareau, I gave you a bolus of your pain medication, it will work within minutes. I will be right back."

You nod and close your eyes , to ease the sensations. Your hand is laying on your face again and you are massaging your eyes. But this is a hospital, you are barely alone. Betty enters your room.

"Hey there."

She moves next to your bed and is pushing some buttons and prepares some settings.

"Hey JJ, I will adjust you to a ventilation mode you had before your lung embolism. You can decide when to take a breath and the ventilator will support you, if it's not enough. Do you understand?"

You lift your arm from your face and blink. You look at her and nod, as she watches you.

"It will help you to get off the vent, and that is what we want as soon as possible!"

'More than anything in the world right now!'

You place your arm on his old spot next to your body and wait until the new mode of the ventilation gets started. It is odd at first, but you can adjust very quickly. With some starting struggle you manage to get along.

"There you go, hon. Good job!"

With that Dr. Coburn returns and fumbles with his stethoscope.

"I will check your lungs now. Is the pain any better?"

'Yeah, it works.'

You nod. He removes the sheet and the hospital gown from you chest and examines you. You see, as Hotch is watching closely what is done. He looks overprotective, as he wants to jump at anyone that could harm you.

Then you almost jump when Dr. Coburn touches your chest on boths sides.

"Alright, Agent Jareau, I will examine now the surgical wounds and how it is healing. Now you are awake I can assess it better with your response."

He starts to press your chest, pushes and touches you. You distort your face and squeeze your eyes shut at the pain that rushes through your chest with his moves.

"I'm sorry. But I had to check that. Your ribs are healing well and the major surgical wound from the branch is doing fine."

You look down your body for the first time and would gasp if you could. It is a landscape full of surgical scars and wounds. Some of them still covered with adhesive bandage. You lay your head back and stare at the ceiling, as Dr. Coburn continues. When he is finishing, he covers your bare skin with your gown again.

"Agent Jareau, you are aware that your legs are paralyze at the moment?"

You nod.

"We did an MRI scan earlier, to do a new assessment of your injuries of your right arm, too. The results are back now and I have some good news."

Your eyes light up and you see how Hotch stands up from his chair.

"There is actually a growing haematoma, that presses on your bundle of nerves, that provides your entire arm. We think, if we remove the pressure from it, the functionality could be restored."

"That are great news, Dr. Coburn!"

You see how Hotch is actually smiling. Relief is washing over you. You close your eyes and let the good feeling sooth your body.

"Indeed, it is."

He pauses.

"The swelling on your spine is also welling down. The next upcoming days we will monitor and exam you closely, to check if there is any progress with your sensations in your legs. But I must remind you, it is still possible, that after the swelling is gone, the defect on the spine is too severe to recover."

You nod, but have something you didn't feel since you are lying here, in the ICU, trapped and caught in medical machines, wires and tubes. Faith. You have faith.

"Agent Jareau. Another part is your brain injury. You have headaches recently and the MRI showed a minimal enlargement on your brain bleed. That means, we have to be careful. When your are more stabilized in the next few days, we want to perform brain surgery to get that haematoma out and atrophy the bleeding spot. That will give us closure and we hope that it won't make any troubles anymore."

'Brain surgery?'

"Brain surgery?"

Fear flashes over your face and unease is growing. Hotch is now next to the bed and facing the doctor.

"Yes, Agent Hotchner. But it is a minimal procedure. The bleeding spot is well accessible, but her cardiovascular system was pretty shaken up lately and she still depends on cathecholamines."

Hotch gave a questioning look.

"The medication that pushes the circulation and the heart, it provides more pressure and a nearly normal heart activity."

"Right."

"Ok Agents, are there any questions left?"

This was almost too much information. You have to digest this for now. You shake your head and stare into the air. Your mind is racng. Emotions are welling through your body. Fear. Faith. Anxiety. Bliss. You want to cry.

"Thank you, Dr. Coburn."

You hear the doctor leaving, but don't care at the moment. Still staring at one white spot at the ceiling. Then you feel him again. He is touching your shoulder.

"It will be alright, JJ."

You look at him and somehow you manage something that resembles a smile with your face.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N Hey, thank you for your reviews! Please let me know what you want to read, inspire me! The more you review, the more I will write! I need you for motivation :) Here is a new chapter on the recovery journey of JJ. Enjoy!**

It was almost a usual day. If you can get used to the ICU business. The staff wanted to keep you on ventilation, because your results couldn't satisfy them. It annoys you. They told you they want to get into the next state of weaning after the surgery. Because with the surgery you would have to be intubated anyway, so your body doesn't need to adjust and it could also be a step back.

Earlier, Pen visited. You could actually enjoy her a little bit, because you weren't closing your eyes every two words. She was almost a little bit too cheery for your taste. You still are in a very weak state, you have to admit that. Little, casual things are wearing you out. But the last days you became more awake, but are still dizzy. The doctor told you, it is because of your weak cardiovascular system. You are still on support medication and he is concerned about that, because of your upcoming surgery. Today there are going to be some examinations, like CT and Ultrasound. They want to make final checks before they can clear you for surgery. You are still scared, now that you are on a good path to get at least a little bit better, you don't want to miss that, or even make a step back. Surgery means a great risk to your body, especially in your weakened state. Not without reason, they make a big deal out of the evaluation for the surgery. It seems they and you walk on eggshells.

But today, you have a good day. Hotch is with you now, again. He became your permanent companion. You can sense it, the guilt that is riding him. He didn't say it yet, but you are sure, he feels guilty about the accident. It is so like him. He also didn't tell you long stories, he is almost the entire time just there for you, silently, calm and soothing. A steady and unshakable companion, who is there for you, when ever you need it. And you are grateful for that, because you didn't even want to listen to long stories or about the team. Not, because you are not interested, no. You just were too exhausted, incredibly tired, not able to be awake long enough to listen. It became better the last days, but you are still sleeping much. Healing.

You hear somebody approaching with something big on rolls. You were dozing. You open your eyes and turn your head to see what is going on.

"Hey there, sorry to intrude the silence here, but it gets busy now."

"Hello Betty."

"Hi Agent Hotchner. How are you doing today?"

"Thanks, I'm fine."

It is Betty with an ultrasound machine. Hotch raises from his chair and steps back a little.

"Dr. Coburn wants to check you for surgery. Agent Hotchner, I assume you are staying, as always, right JJ?"

You nod. You want him by your side. The anxiety is still a problem, you don't know what it is, that drives you crazy. The doctors said, it was the lung embolism and your body sent signals to your brain and let you freak out, long before the lung embolism got lethal. But they are not sure. Hotch is your insurance, if it gets bumpy.

After some moments, Dr. Coburn enters the room. Hotch is nodding to him and shaking his hand.

"Agent Hotchner."

Dr. Coburn greets him back and turns to you.

"Now Agent Jareau, how are you feeling today, any pain?"

You shake your head.

"That's great. Ok, I will do an ultrasound now. I will check around your major wound in your abdomen and want to see if there are any problems with the healing process of your diaphragm."

He sighs and searches your eyes. His face looks concerned and your good day is already destroyed now. It just needs some tiny bit to get you out of balance. You hate that. You are so damn labile. The toll of the last two weeks, you think.

"The branch impaled your diaphragm, scratched your liver and destroyed your right kidney. And the impact crashed your rib cage, so that the ribs impaled your right lung. You were lucky, because the fork of the branch slowed the impact down, otherwise it would have gone through. But the fork of the branch is also the reason why you cannot move or feel your legs."

He pauses again.

"It scratched your spine and broke two vertebrae. Your spinal cord wasn't damaged in that impact directly, but since the accident, there is a swelling going on, that doesn't let us get a clear look on the spinal cord with the MRI. The lumbal punction result was negative on blood, but the contusion of the entire spinal cord is still in recovery. I won't check that today, though. I will check on your organs and if there are any internal bleeding around your wound area. But I thought it would be interesting to know, how everything went so far, despite the fact, that you can't answer verbal. But that will follow soon, I promise."

Though you are slapped in your face by that information, you have to smile internally. You like Dr. Coburn, he really cares about you.

"One major breathing problem of yours, despite the ARDS, is your diaphragm is still healing. It is your major breathing muscle. You have to train hard to get off the ventilation. But one step after the other, right?"

He smiles and a little laugh escapes his mouth. He is a sweetheart, you think.

"Alright Jennifer, lets get started."

He removes the sheet and your hospital gown, so that your bare chest is now open visible. Hotch is already accustomed to that and you don't mind. He is too busy caring about you.

You settle your head and close your eyes for a brief moment. When you open them again the room is dimmed and the only light shining, is the monitor of the ultrasound.

"Fair warning, it gets cold and wet now."

He smiles at you while he applies the gel on your body. You almost jump when you feel the cold sensation, but right after that you feel that glibber being pushed down by the ultrasound head.

"Relax, JJ."

Hotch must have seen you tense and grabs your hand from the other side. After a moment, Dr. Coburn is in the middle of his work. He is pushing some buttons from time to time, while he presses the ultrasound transducer in your abdomen. It hurts. You squeeze your eyes shut and you tense even more.

"I know, Agent Jareau, I know. I will be quick, alright?"

With a distorted face, you only nod and press your head into the pillow. Some more buttons are pushed and Dr. Coburn seems to be concentrated. You see how Hotch's eyes are glued to the monitor.

"Ok, major wound area seems good, your liver is healing well. There are no irregularities with the other visible organs I just checked. I will now continue with your heart. I need you to lift your left arm up and we have to move you a little bit to your right side as much as your right arm it allows."

Hotch and Dr. Coburn are helping you and shifting your body a little to the right side. Hotch grabs your left hand and helps you holding your arm over your head. Now your left chest is totally exposed to Dr. Coburn.

"Again, cold and wet."

You cringe. You would never like that. Dr. Coburn begins on top of your chest. He pushes some more buttons as the monitor light up in blue and red color.

"This is the blood flow through your heart valves, Agent Jareau. …..alright... what about your right heart... still a little bit adjusting itself since your lung embolism."

He switches the ultrasound transducer to your left side, that is now exposed.

"Alright, lets see how your left heart is doing. It actually looks good, as far as your condition it allows."

Pushing some buttons and the monitor lights up again, so you can see the blood flow. It looks amazing, somehow. Dr. Coburn is adjusting some settings and takes one last look. Then he finishes.

"From my point of view, the ultrasound examination is fine. There is nothing to worry about, Agent Jareau."

"That are good news, thank you Dr. Coburn."

"Don't thank me."

He smiles and turns to you.

"Thank Agent Jareau's healthy condition, she is really doing great!"

You are relieved. While Hotch and Dr. Coburn are cleaning you up from the gel, you close your eyes and let the good news settle. Your tension ebbs finally away, after your gown is replaced, you can nearly relax.

"Alright, the CT scan will be in a couple of hours. It will be a routine scan for the surgery. If everything is good, we will make a final MRI of your brain tomorrow and schedule the surgery for tomorrow, as well. Any questions?"

'Tomorrow?'

"No, thank you. If there are any coming up, I know where to find you."

"Good. See you later."

'Tomorrow?"

You are feeling slight unease. Hotch is turning to you and senses your agitation.

"The surgery is going to be ok, JJ. You accomplished so much. You did such a great job."

He takes your hand in his and strokes it gently.

"I know you are going to pull through. You went through too much, to let yourself stop from that minor procedure. Do you hear me?"

Almost smiling at his ability to talk you down from your anxiety, you nod and would sigh in relief if you could.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Hey, so sorry for the long break. But I had a massive writers block. No motivation at all. Slowly your reviews and fav/follow addition brought me back! And of course I'm so excited about season 10 now! So here is the new chapter. I did really hard on that one, I wrote it over several days and rewrote a huge part of it again. I hope you like it. Enjoy!**

Pain. It is awful. Your head feels like it would explode any moment. The staff already dimmed the light in the ICU room earlier. You feel terrible, not only the pain, but the unease feeling about the upcoming surgery, albeit it would be the solution to get rid of the pain, hopefully. As you open your eyes after dozing off a moment, you notice how Hotch is watching you, full of worry. His brows are knitted together and his face shows an concerned expression. His elbows resting on his knees, he is leaning forward to you and searching your pained look with his eyes.

"Still not better huh?", he finally says to you.

Slowly you manage to shake your head, but close your eyes again. They gave you already some pain medication earlier, but it doesn't work. You are frustrated.

"Alright JJ, I'm going to tell Dr. Coburn, so he can give you some more powerful pain killer, I won't continue watching you suffer like this, alright?"

You know, it was more like a statement than a question. You are too exhausted to complain and Hotch leaves the room.

Suddenly an huge spike of pain radiates through your head, you press your eyes close and grip the bed sheets. The ventilation pushing makes the whole situation worse. You are so tense, that you held your breath for a moment. But as always the ventilator continues, if you don't take your breath as you suppose to do. The pain makes you sick, you cannot endure this anymore. Your grip tightens on the sheet and you try to get control of the situation. But the medical machines in the ICU are always alert, they caught your struggle and the monitors are going off in alarm.

Just as the sound starts to go on top of your stress, Dr. Coburn hurries into your room, followed closely by Hotch and Betty. You barely notice them. The doctor tries to contact you, he touches your shoulder. But your eyes remain shut. You feel how your balled fist is removed from the bed sheet and a hand takes yours, as you continue to press it as hard as you can to ease your pain.

Your breathing is quickened now, as far as that damn breathing machine allows it. Hands are touching you, voices... people are talking to you. But you don't care, you don't have the energy anymore.

You have no idea how long this situation goes already on. You are struggling and keeping every part of your body together to endure the pain and your feelings. Actually you hope to pass out to end this.

But that is not going to happen, a hand cups your cheek and with that you feel how warmth is growing in your gut and some relief is washing over you.

"...reau?"

You ease you eyelids and let the pressure go, but you knit your brows together.

"Agent Jareau? Can you hear me?"

Your eyes begin to flutter open.

"JJ? Are you ok?"

Hotch and Dr. Coburn are leaning over you with worried faces and watching every move of you. But yet you are still struggling with the aftermath from the pain. As you start to feel the stroking of Hotch's finger on your body, on the back of your hand and on your arm, you start to focus again.

"JJ? Can you hear me?"

You nod slowly.

Hotch's expression on his face sends shivers down your spine. He cares a lot. You close your eyes again and sigh internally, let the painless condition settle down.

"Agent Jareau?"

Dr. Coburn remains a little agitated. You open your eyes and look at him. After your eyes meet his, he continues.

"I gave you some heavy pain killers, they should make you dizzy in some moments."

He pauses for a second and takes out his pen-light.

"I have to check your eyes one time alright?"

You nod and he let the light swipe over your eyes. After some blinking you adjust your eyes and watch as Dr. Coburn knits his brows together. He sighs.

"What is it?"

Hotch caught the expression right away.

"Agent Jareau, I'm afraid we have to start your surgery preparations now. I think your brain pressure just went worse. You have to get into the OR as soon as possible."

"What? Why?" , Hotch startles.

"Her brain pressure is growing again, the symptoms like her pain spike and on top of that her pupil reaction are showing me that."

You have to blink. The meds are already drowning you in dizziness. But you still recognize how Hotch is struggling with that new information. You sense he was still expecting to have some hours left until you are going into surgery. Now it is happening ASAP and somehow you are relieved, that the medication is taking its toll on your consciousness. Now you don't care anymore. Through your eye lids you are watching as Hotch is compensating the information, still holding your hand and switching his gaze between you, the doctor and Betty. Its not like him. He was the solid rock and now he seems to be blown off.

"Agent Hotcher, I would like you to step aside so we can work on Agent Jareau, alright?"

He blinks and with one last touch he lets your hand go and steps into the back of the room. You close your eyes and just listen to the conversation going on.

"Betty I will inform the MRI and the OR, I want you to take care of the blood lab and the transport, we will meet in ten."

"See you in ten."

You hear Dr. Coburn leave and immediately Hotch returns to the open spot on your side.

"Alright sweetheart, I will draw some blood from your central line and from your arterial line. After that I will prepare you for the transport, that means I will give you some sedation to sleep. So you don't have to worry."

You don't respond anymore. Too tired, too dizzy to care about that. You feel Hotch's hand connect with your skin and that is your last feeling before you drift off into a deep sleep.

###

Cold. It is damn cold and wet. It is raining and it is pitch black, you can barely make out your surroundings. The heavy raindrops are dripping on your face and you cannot move. This is familiar. You are sitting in the SUV and it rains heavily. You are shivering and want to take a breath, but you can't. That is the point, where you start to panic. You are struggling, your throat is tightened and your lungs begin to burn through the lack of oxygen. Your whole body is shaking, it aches and your head feels heavy now. Then you notice a familiar voice through the rain. There... you can hear it. That might be your rescue... you try to scream, but your voice is stuck in your throat. You try to move to free yourself, but you feel how the dizziness sets in and stops all your effort.

"JJ?"

You hear that voice again. It is outside the car, it is Hotch! But he can't reach you. You still struggle to breath. Still stuck, you want to get Hotch's attention, but it seems as he is looking for you but doesn't see you.

"JJ?"

Then your panic hitches in your throat when you see him turning around. The dizziness is growing and you watch how Hotch is walking through the rain, away from you. NO! No no no... this can't be true. "HOTCH!" Utter panic engulfs you, tears are streaming down your face, your body is shaking violently, not only because of the shivers, that are going down your spine, but of your heavy sobbing. You are crying, desperately. You are alone, alone to die. Then you see how his figure vanish completely in the dark rainy cloud.

Suddenly you feel a hand touching your shoulder, carefully holding you down. What the... What is going on? Is this a dream? It feels so real. Then you feel another hand touching your left arm. You hear mumbled voices through the fog. The rain is suddenly gone, but you are feeling cold. You are shivering.

A bright light burns in your eyes, a pain radiates through your head. It hurts badly and you want to end this pain. You are highly confused, what is going on? The mumbled voices are still present and other sounds are joining the moment. Is this the rescue team?

"Agent Jareau?"

It is dark and cold, you are in pain and exhausted. You try hard to calm yourself down, but the confusion has a tight grip on your mind. The panic fills every fiber in your body and your heart almost explode in your chest, pumping blood through your veins.

Again, some bright light is shining into your eyes. You want to scream at the sensation, because this time it was the overkill for the pain in your head. You tense even more and you try to shut your eyes to ease the sensation. You feel the hands again on your body. You try to shake them off but it seems your hands are stuck and you cannot move. This is so weird, too weird.

"...her not to … yes heart rate... alright... gent Jareau?... an you hear me?"

You hear voices again, muffled sounds coming through. What the hell is going on? This must be a nightmare, your body going crazy and you are stuck in the middle. You only wish to end this dread and to pass out from everything.

Then you feel how the coldness slowly vanish out of your body, instead warmth grows in your stomach. The tension ebbs away, you feel how every muscle in your body begins to relax and your body goes limp. But the pain stays. It almost kills you. You feel how tears are welling in your eyes.

But suddenly a hand connects with your cheek, soft and caring.

"JJ, open your eyes!"

Another hand strokes gently your arm and connects with your hand, that is lying beside your body. You are in a bed?

"JJ, c'mon wake up for me!"

This time it is a female voice. What is going on? You are lying in a bed, your are not in the SUV. Are you rescued? Is it over? Slowly the information settles. Hotch! … and the woman is … Emily?

The pain is getting worse. A tear is rolling down your cheek and you feel how a thumb is gently wiping it off.

"It's alright JJ, let it go, open your eyes!"

'Hotch? Where am I?'

You try to squeeze the hand that is holding yours and manage to move some of your fingers.

"JJ? Can you hear me?"

'Yes! Emily I'm here, I can hear you!'

You try to squeeze again.

"Oooh JJ, thank god!"

It is Emily that is holding your hand, you feel how she lifts it and put a gentle kiss on the back of your hand. She cups your hand with her second and holding yours tight.

"Agent Jareau?"

Another voice is joining the two persons next to you. Somehow it is familiar to you, but you cannot put it in the right place.

"Can you open your eyes for me please?"

Despite the pain, that is welling through your head, you try to open your eye lids. Slowly they begin to flutter, some light is already coming through the water of your tears. Then some figures and frames are building. It hurts badly. After some moments and blinking the tears away, you can actually see a man standing next to you, with a worried look on his face.

"Hello Agent Jareau, can you understand me?"

You nod, but you are closing your eyes again, because the pain is too bad. Actually you shut them close and press some of the pain away. Your memory begins to work again, slowly it sorts the information: Hospital.

"Do you know where you are?"

You nod.

"You had a panic attack, we gave you something for the anxiety and to let you relax a little bit. Do you know what happened?"

Hospital happened. But what happened before this weird dream? No, you have no clue. You shake your head.

"You just woke up three days after your brain surgery."

You slowly open your eyes and watch the man's expression. You search his eyes. You are confused. Then you look to Hotch and you are somehow relieved to see him.

"You don't remember, do you JJ?" , Hotch respond to your look.

Closing your eyes you slowly shake your head, as a pain radiates again through it. Pressing your eyes shut, you try to reach your head with your hand but you are stopped by restrains. What the...?

"I think she is in pain, Dr. Coburn!"

You nod with that.

"Ah, alright Agent Jareau, I will give you something."

While he works on your pain medication, Emily continues gently stroking your hand.

"Jay, it's alright. Hold on, the meds are almost in."

Slowly flash of memory are coming back to you. The accident. ICU. Your injuries. 5 weeks. You sigh mentally. Things, you wish to forget. You feel how the meds are kicking in and only a dull throbbing is left.

"Agent Jareau?"

You look at the doctor.

"Do you remember being in the accident and in the hospital?"

You nod.

"Alright, it is common for your memory to be a little irritated after brain surgery."

'Irritated.'

This is an understatement. You are exhausted just by waking up from a nightmare. You are glad to have company, company that grounds you, back into the real world. Albeit you are drugged and your mind gets fuzzy again. But the pain killers are working and that is all you care about right now. Slowly your situation settles in, you can focus now on yourself again. You are still ventilated, still in the ICU and still connected to countless tubes and wires. Great.

While Dr. Coburn goes over your medical file, Emily is gently stroking your left arm again.

"It's good to have you back JJ!"

You turn your head to her. She smiles sadly at you.

"The past three days were an emotional roller coaster, you weren't waking up. Don't plan to do that again on us!"

'I'm sorry'

"Alright, Agent Jareau, beside your brain surgery, we were operating on your right shoulder again to remove the haematoma, that was pressing on a bundle of nerves. I want to check how your sensation is responding now!"

Of course! Your right arm! You watch eagerly how the doctor moves his fingers to your right arm, that is still in a cast. He gently touches your fingers and you can actually feel the touch. Joy is flashing through your stomach. Instantly you start to smile. It is working! You can feel something.

"You can feel that?"

You nod.

"Oh JJ, that is great!" , both Hotch and Emily are saying almost unison.

You are too busy to process what you are witnessing, you almost forget that Dr. Coburn is talking to you. After a moment you focus on him again, as he strokes gently over your right upper arm.

"Try to move your fingers."

Slowly but determined you move all of the fingers of your right hand. Proudness and happiness are filling your whole body. Despite the dulling effect of the medication from earlier you are more than happy right now. You close your eyes for a moment and sigh mentally at your first step back into life.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N Hey! You guys are amazing, thank you so much for your support. I'm happy you still like the story. Here is a new chapter. Tell me what you think! Enjoy!**

You wake up after some time of sleep. The side effects of all the medication you received earlier, took their toll. Slowly you let the situation settle in. Every time you wake up, you have to check, where you are, what happened and what your condition is. Too many times your mind screwed yourself. But right now, satisfaction and ease are warming your gut. You remember what is going on. You hear the team - your friends talking nearby. You are feeling all the poking tubes and wires connected to you, the medical machines humming and beeping and , of course, the ventilation. But you don't care right now. You feel hope and faith, that you are on the way back to life again. You can make it. This is going to be over in some time. It will take a lot of time, yes, but you can make it.

Giggling takes you back to the present.

"What? Did you do it differently?"

It is Reid with his high voice in surprise. You missed that. Apparently he is being bullied again. You have to grin internally. You turn your head and open slowly your eyes.

"Look who is back."

'Dave!'

He is standing behind Reid, who is obviously still in thoughts about what was said before. With Rossi's words Reid notices that you are awake. His expression turns from his thoughtful in unease, as he doesn't know what to do or to say. You watch his hazel eyes and blink with an friendly expression.

"Uhm, hey there!"

He manages to say. You blink in response.

"Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?"

You nod at Dave and turn your head to see Emily and Hotch sitting next to you.

"Morgan and Garcia just left."

Emily is now leaning over you and stroking your arm.

"We are all happy to see you awake and doing ok!"

'I'm happy too'

But obviously it needs no words to show your happiness. She smiles at you. Slowly, you move your right arm just an inch, just to proof it is real. It hurts a little and there is still healing going on. After all the arm was crushed in the accident.

You enjoy the others around you, listening to their chatter. They bring you up to date with some work topics, what is happening and some small talk. You are surprised how long you can hold on to listen, without falling asleep again. But as you think about it, you feel how tired you really are and just let your eyes close.

#

A gently shake takes you out of your dreams. It is Betty.

"Hey Jennifer, time to wake up!"

You blink several times and finally look at her. But you search immediately the room for your team mates. They are gone.

"I sent them to take a break in the cafeteria."

With that you nod and turn to Betty again.

"Listen sweetheart, I will draw some blood to check on your oxygen level and other blood gas stats."

She watches your expression for a moment and then continues.

"We will extubate you today, Jennifer!"

Your eyes grow wide as you look in disbelief at your nurse.

"That's right, you heard correctly." She says with a grin. "But not so fast, first we have to check if everything is alright."

She pats your shoulder and begins to work on your central line and after that on your arterial line. You feel butterflies in your stomach, but at the same time unease is growing. You are tensing a little bit and begin to grip your bet sheet.

"I know hon, we will give you something to relax. With the recent panic attacks you had, we wont risk anymore."

Sedation. Again. Your mind is racing now. Extubation. You will get off the ventilator. The damn tube in your throat, gone. Soon. Hopefully. Between your inner turmoil and the working nurse, you notice a figure standing in the corner of the room. His expression is stoic. As always. Your eyes meet. The look on his face, he gives you, changes immediately. Caring, soft caring eyes and a hint of a smile are calming you down. He blinks. He knows what you are feeling right now. He was almost every time around, when you were struggling. You need him now, again. You don't want to face that huge step alone. You search his eyes and with that he pushes himself away from leaning onto the wall and makes his way to your side. He gently takes your hand and cups it with his.

"I'm here for you, you won't be alone!"

You somehow smile and blink a tear away, that is about to roll down your cheek. He gently reaches out and wipes the tear with his thumb away. He smiles at you, but remains silent. Steps are sounding, approaching. It is Dr. Coburn.

"Hello again Agent Jareau!"

You greet him and he approaches your side.

"I'm going to check your lungs and some parameters, after that we will start to prepare the extubation. Betty will be right back with the blood gas analysis. With that we are ready to start."

You nod slowly and close your eyes, while Dr. Coburn is listening to your breathing sounds. You are agitated. Betty returns in your room and you immediately look at her face. She smiles and you relax a bit.

"Your blood lab looks just fine to pull you off full ventilation! Isn't that good news?"

Nodding, Dr. Coburn finishes his exam and puts his stethoscope around his neck again.

"Alright, as Betty already explained to you, we will give you a mild sedative to have your panic in control. Agent Hotchner is of course also allowed to stay, so you have a familiar face around."

With that you watch how Betty already works on your central line. You nervously watch as she slowly pushes the plunger and the medication into your body. You turn your head away and close your eyes. You feel how Hotch squeezes your hand slightly, knowing that you are struggling with the situation.

Dr. Coburn is already preparing some medical equipment on a cart nearby. You just listen to their doing, but you know exactly what they are doing, you spend too much time with that. You are used to it now.

"Ok honey, I will suction you before we start, alright? You know the drill."

She manages to pull the suction catheter inside your breathing tube and then you feel again, as so many times before, the awful sensation of being suctioned. Your body chokes at the intruded object. You grip Hotch's hand tightly and he squeezes back in response. After a couple of times Betty is done and Dr. Coburn checks on you.

"Hey there, is the sedation already kicking in?"

You blink several times and check yourself.

"I guess that means not really, huh?"

You nod.

"Ok while it is still working on you, I will explain how we will proceed. First we will unblock your tube and then we will pull it out. We will suction you again, to clear your upper airway. I will assist you with a mask the first minutes to breath. After you are ok and adjusting, we will switch to a mask from the ventilator. It will be a mode, that provides an overpressure on oxygen on you. Thus you are supported with your breathing. Alright?"

Clearly becoming drowsy, you nod slowly and blink several times.

"Ok sweetheart, I'm going to unblock your tube now."

But you have your eyes already closed and you feel how everything begins to blur, everything is turning. But then you feel how the tube in your throat is pulled out and you choke badly on it. Your eyes shot wide open, you feel how the panic fights against the sedation. You feel a hand gently pushing you down in your bed, as you struggle.

"Sshhh JJ, it's alright, it's over soon. Hold on!"

The awful sound of suction pump rings out. Breath! You cannot … no you are about to suffocate! Not again. The panic makes its way to the surface. You are being suctioned, but you don't care. The sedation is barely working and suddenly you feel how a mask is pressed down on your face. You are struggling, squirming. Hands are holding you down in the bed.

"Relax, Agent Jareau! It's alright now, it's done!"

With a push you feel how the precious air moves down your throat. Blinking, you feel the second push, and another.

"There you go, JJ. You are doing great!"

Hotch's voice is gentle and you feel him stroking you. You have your eyes closed now, letting the sedation work a bit. Pulling the panic down. You feel a stethoscope connect with your bare chest. Checking your lungs, the breathing. You swallow. It hurts. Your throat hurts and you squeeze your eyes. You move your hand slowly up to the mask, that is covering your face. You touch Dr. Coburn's hand, that fixates the breathing mask. But no moment later you feel how Betty pulls your hand down.

"It's alright honey. Relax."

And you do so. The panic almost vanishes and you let the drowsiness wash over you. After some moments, you hear them talk, but your body is almost limp. You are deeply relaxed now. Suddenly the mask is pulled off your face. You open your eyes to see what is going on.

"Agent Jareau, this is the mask of the ventilator now."

You watch as the new mask is brought down, to cover your mouth and nose. You feel the first ventilation push. This is familiar, you think.

"It is the same setting you had with the breathing tube, so you should recognize it."

You blink several times, still drowsy and dizzy from the sedation. But you feel how it is already wearing off. A short one.

"You can decide, when to take a breath."

The head section of your bed is being moved slightly higher. This is more comfortable. You adjust to the new situation really well. You take in your surroundings and lock your eyes with Hotch's. He looks concerned. Not sure how you are, as it seems.

"How are you doing?"

You nod slightly and smile behind the mask. His expression relaxes a bit, but he still remains worried. In the meantime Betty and Dr. Coburn are checking your lungs over and over again with their stethoscopes.

"Alright Agent Jareau, I will change the mode now in CPAP* , it means there will be a continued flow of oxygen with pressure provided. It will help you to breath on your own."

The doctor pushes some buttons on the touch screen of your ventilator and you immediately feel the air flow streaming in your lungs. It is an odd feeling, but you desperately take your first breath on your own. Without ventilation push. You blink several times, concentrating on your breathing. Breathing, almost on your own. Happiness washes over you. Despite the light struggle you are feeling, you are happy. You are breathing! Finally!

*CPAP: continious positive airway pressure . FYI: the modern ventilator machines can provide the patient in many different ways, they're praticly a computer.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N Hey! Thank you for your reviews and follow/favs. I'm still amazed that so many people like the story. But that is what drives me on. So here is a new chapter for you! Enjoy!**

After some minutes adjusting, you sense how the high of excitement ebbs away and you fall back into your sleepy state of mind. Exhaustion. That is how you would describe your state. You are exhausted by minimal activities. Although you are finally freed of that damn ET-tube. Since the thing is out of your throat, you feel the permanent need of coughing. And finally you do cough. But as you do so and your diaphragm contracts, every muscle in your abdomen is on fire. You squeeze your eyes shut at the amount of pain that radiates through your lung. The coughing fit needs all the energy that you have left and you struggle to breath.

"Easy Agent Jareau, try to relax."

You feel how Hotch tries to sooth you without words, his hand lays on your shoulder. It helps.

It takes a moment for you to get yourself under control again. With your eyes still closed you lean back in your pillow and concentrate on your breathing. The heart monitor already noticed your struggle. Right now the happiness is gone and you have to face the facts, that are now your new condition. Your breathing is shallow and rapid. Your chest is still on fire and as you swallow it feels like a desert in your throat.

While you regain your composure, Dr. Coburn is still listening to your breathing sound with his stethoscope. After a while he tells Betty some medical terms, but you are too busy with yourself to listen to that. You are still concentrating on your breathing and one urge is growing big. Water.

Then you try the one thing you wanted for so long. You manage all your power and take a breath. Still eyes closed.

"Wah.."

You croak. You have to swallow.

"JJ?"

You open your eyes to see a surprised face leaning over you. Hotch's expression is worried and surprised at once.

"Water."

A whisper, faint, croaked, but you could hear a word leave your mouth. Muffled through the tight breathing mask. Almost not audible. At the same time Dr. Coburn watched your effort and smiles.

"Of course, sweetheart." Betty also caught what you need. She heads to the door and leaves the room.

"Agent Jareau, as you already have discovered your throat will be rough for a while, because of the long time of intubation."

You only nod, still not confident about your speaking ability. As Betty returns at your side, Dr. Coburn adresses you.

"Alright Agent Jareau, we will lift the mask for a minute so you can suck a lemon stick."

It is a pleasure as you finally release that ugly feeling in your mouth. You are eyed carefully while you slurp the final taste of that stick. You never would have dreamed, that something ridiculous like a lemon stick could be so wonderful. But the moment is interrupted by some sensor beeping in alarm. You sigh internally.

"I really don't want to stop you, but I have to put the mask back on, honey. You saturation is already dropping. Your body has to adapt to the new situation. There is no 24h oxygen by ventilation anymore."

"Luckily" You croak and smile.

"Oh yes, my dear, you are damn right!"

With a smiling on her face, she puts the mask back over your mouth and nose and fixes the attachment over your head. Dr. Coburn and Betty finish the work, are doing some documentation and finally leave room. Hotch looks up from his phone, he sat down in the chair earlier to let the staff work. His dimple emerge and you have to smile at this picture in front of you. The man that was almost perpetually staying with you all the time the last weeks, your boss, Hotch. It is odd, you think. There are no words needed between the two of you. You always liked him very much. But now, you never have thought he would be a sanctuary for you. You need him around in these times and his presence calms you down. The inner turmoil of you comes to rest, when you can sense him.

Hotch rises from his chair and closes the distance to your side. He gently takes your hand.

"Hey there."

His eyes are emotionally.

"How are you feeling?"

You swallow, as you prepare to speak. You close your eyes and wait until the pain subsides.

"Tired, happy."

He smiles and cups your cheek with his hand.

"Get some rest, JJ."

You nod and let the sleep, that already wanted to overrun you, take over.

##

It is cold. You freeze. Shivering, actually. You hear voices, as you start to wake up from your drowsiness. A beeping from the monitor gets your attention. But you feel how everything is in slow motion. Something cold connects with your chest. You moan, but have to cough. A gently shake on your shoulder startles you. You open slowly your eyes a slit and your head begins to hurt with it. You feel miserable. Like you have an hangover.

"Jennifer? Come on, open your eyes for me!"

Blinking a few times, things are still blurry. You close your eyes again, too tired to hold them open. You hear people talking around you.

"...did the blood culture on emergency...temperature103.8... almost 2 hours ago...antibiotics...dropping 2.6...?"

Then you sense somebody close to you. A hand cups your face.

"Hey there, time to wake up JJ."

You frown and stir. As you turn your head slightly you feel as you would sway. You try to take a deep breath, but as a rattle fills your chest, you cough violently. Immediately, you hold your stomach to support your stiff muscles. It hurts and you squeeze your eyes.

"Ssshhh JJ, easy."

Hotch tries to sooth you, gently stroking your cheek.

"Agent Jareau, please open your eyes!"

It is Dr. Coburn that is able to break through to you. You manage to open them, despite the pain that radiates through your head. You take rapid and swallow breath, the coughing fit exhausted you again. You start to shiver again.

"Let me check your pupils, hold on."

He flashes his pen light over your eyes and it hurts as he does so. You moan at the sensation and immediately close your eyes again.

"Agent Jareau, your temperature is spiking, you have fever. We have to find the reason. Are you in pain?"

You nod, as your breathing gets a little labored. You hear how Betty is quickly working nearby at your central line, injecting something. Settings are adjusted and buttons are pushed on the instruments and machines nearby. This doesn't sound good to you. Working on you means, something is wrong.

"Where does it hurt?"

Between your rapid breaths you manage to whisper, "Head."

With that you turn your attention away from him and let yourself drift away a bit. You notice another attempt of someone to talk to you, but you don't care. Too tired to care. Then something familiar happens, a ventilation push through your mask. It hurts in your lungs as the air is pressed inside your body. But the pain is nothing in comparison to your headache. You wish to pass out from it. The last thing you feel before you fall asleep, how someone gently dabs with a wet cloth over forehead. Thanks...Hotch.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N Hey, sorry for the time without update. I hope you are still with me. Here comes the next chapter. Thank you so much for review and reading this story. Have fun!**

You wake with a startle. Everything is turning. You try to get a grip and search for the weapon on your hip. Your surroundings are blurred. The sirens in the background are too loud, they are hurting in your head. You squeeze your eyes, trying to get control of the incredible pain in your head. You are swaying, like you would be on a ship. What just happened? Then you finally get a grip on your gun and draw it, to unlock the safety bolt. You must have been hit and passed out. The unsub, you chased through the dockyard, he must have been able to get to you. You reach for your head, but your hand is stuck. Then you hear a man talking, as you try to free your hand.

"No..."

Your voice is hoarse and your chest aches, as you breath out. Something feels wrong, very wrong. You struggle against someone, you cannot make out. But shortly after that, everything goes black again.

##

The woman in front of you is talking to you, but you cannot make out any sense. You just were woken by this woman and you feel miserable. Everything hurts and your lungs are screaming with every breath you take. Something is covering your face and you try to get a grip with your hand. But instead of freeing yourself from this obstruction, your arm ends up swaying and crushing against the side of the bed rail. Someone is stroking your head as you open your eyes again. The voice you hear is familiar, but you are highly confused about what is happening. Last thing you know, you fell asleep on your couch with a glass of wine. But your head feels like it would explode any minute. The room is in dim light and the figure hovering over you is too dark for you to recognize. So you give in the attempts of the person to calm you down and close your eyes again.

##

You remember how you woke up several times this day or night, you can't put the finger on. You lost count if it is a day or two, that went by. Everything is still blurred, when you wake up. Like now. You have to blink several times, but the first thing, is your hand raising up to your face, trying to get rid of that obstruction, that is giving you a hard time to breath. Your chest hurts and you wish you could breath free.

Someone caught your hand in action and guides it in a gentle embrace. You recognize the voice. It was there, the several times you woke up. There were lights and voices. Some people were touching you, but you couldn't stop them or get control over your body. It is like a bad dream. You cannot set the pieces of that puzzle together in a way, that would make sense to you. One time you woke up in your bureau over some files and you spread your coffee accidentally over all the papers. In the hurry to hold back the liquid, you started to sway and fell on the floor of your room. After that, you felt like you would drown.

With that memory, you don't know anymore what is memory or dream or reality anymore. Like now, you feel nausea growing with the miserable aches, that every part of your body sends to your brain, you just want to pass out again.

##

The light is burning in your eye, you hear a moan escape your mouth, as the other eye is forced to the stinging sensation.

"Noo...uugh...please.."

You beg to stop it. But your hands are too weak to fight, as your arm ends up again falling limp to your side as you raise it. You sigh.

"It's alright Agent Jareau, I'm done."

You hear someone say. You don't know if you are dreaming or not. Everything is fuzzy and your mind plays with your sensations. Last time, you fought a person, you thought would sitting on your chest, after some moments, it was gone.

Right now you feel bad, really bad. Miserable. Your head hurts with every tiny thing you do, if blinking or speaking. You have troubles to breath, when you get agitated, like fighting a person, that is sitting on your chest. You are tired and you barely can focus on anything.

Something cold connects with your forehead. It feels good. A gentle touch connects with your cheek. You relax a little.

"It's going to be alright, JJ."

A familiar voice.

"Hold on. You are not alone to fight this."

Calm. Soothing as the baritone voice is speaking to you. You relax even more and eventually fall asleep.

##

A soft sensation on your forehead gets your attention as you drift back to consciousness. Gentle hands are stroking your cheek. And there again. Lips are connecting with your forehead, as two hands are tenderly cupping your cheeks. Your eyes flutter open. Soft light is falling on his features. The deep brown eyes connect with yours. A slight smile reaches the corner of his eyes.

"Hey!"

"Hey."

Swallowing, you croak out. He gently removes the tight breathing mask. You follow every move with your eyes. As your mouth is free, you part your lips a slit and run your tongue over the dry surface of your lips. His eyes drop to your mouth and you watch him holding his breath, as he descends closer to your face. His eyes are locked on your lips, he runs the tip of his tongue shortly over his lips. In a breathtaking moment your both lips connect. You close your eyes, as a rush of feelings runs through your body. The world feels turning around you, as you feel his warm face hovering over yours. The tips of his nose brushes over yours, as his lips slowly lose the contact to your mouth. A tingle forms in your belly. You breath out and open your eyes. Tears are blurring the vision, but you watch as his eyes are slowly opening and the brown deep ones are catching you. He smiles and gently strokes with his thumbs the tears away, that are rolling over your cheek. Your cheeks heat up and you have to smile at the bliss in that moment. He strokes over your head as he sets the breathing mask back in place and secures its straps. You feel the supporting air flow and close your eyes again. Still feeling the warmth of him near you, as he is still touching you with his hands, supporting you in every possible way.

##

As you wake up again, a blissful tingle remained in your stomach. But the all consuming question is, did you just dream it or were you awake. What you remember is a vivid feeling. You try to open your eyes. Your head still hurts, but with that distraction on your mind, it is bearable. A moan escapes your mouth between the ventilation pushes, that are set now. The blurring facade is still in place. The room is in dim light and you hear the beeping sounds of some medical equipment. You sense some movement to your side. You swallow and blink several times at the fuzzy impressions you still get, making it hard to focus on one thing. Then a hand cups your cheek and you instantly know to whom it belongs. You smile as his face comes into your sight.

"Hey sleepy head."

Hotch's face is softened and he seems relaxed as he strokes with his thumb over your cheek. You blink several times, but try to focus on his look.

"How are you feeling?"

His expression changes in concern as he is searching your eyes for an answer. Before you speak you have to swallow again. Your throat is dry and aches.

"...ugh...dunno..."

You croak out.

"...evrythin is fuzzy right now..."

Swallowing, you close your eyes as nausea starts to rise again.

"I'm just glad you can follow me this time."

You look at him frowning.

"You are pretty drowsy and full of pain medication, that makes it difficult to reach you sometimes."

He chuckles with that and you can tell the look on your face must be priceless. Because a rare Hotch smile made it through up to his eyes.

"I don't mind."

And he grins even further with that, as he is patting your head carefully.

"No seriously now, today the medical staff was a little bit relieved, because your blood lab came back with improvement. Can you remember anything from the last days?"

If you could, you would laugh at that, because wouldn't it be so serious, it would be hilarious.

"No."

He searches your eyes for a moment.

"...not rlly.."

You add and have to think at the intimate moment you experienced... in your mind?


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N Hey! You guys really knocked my socks off, I'm totally flabbergasted. Thank you for nominating my story for the PCA 2014. I didn't even think about that. You are great, thank you so much! I was working on that chapter for quite a long time now. I hadn't the final motivation to pull it through. Now you guys gave me the last push. Thanks :) So here it goes on where I left, have fun! Please review what you think about this development!**

"It's ok..."

He cups your cheek.

"Don't worry, just take your time to heal."

Frowning at him, you are still confused, what is happening with you.

"...'s goin on...?"

You take a breath and have to cough at that. Hotch instantly shifts in his stance beside you, as he just wants to take away your pain, if he could. He strokes gently over your cheek. As the coughing fit subsides, you open your eyes again, swallowing. He watches you intensely. The air seems to vibrate. This feels so familiar to you. The expression on his face is soft and caring, his eyes are searching yours. Then he leans down and kisses your forehead. Soft. Careful. You close your eyes at that and let the warm feeling in your gut spread. After a moment you raise your arm and touch his forearm.

"Aaron."

You croak. He leans away from you and looks into your eyes.

"Thank you!"

You whisper through the mask.

He smiles. He strokes over your cheek again, but says nothing, as he moves some strands of hair behind your ear. Then the moment is broken as Dr. Coburn enters the room.

"Hello Agent Jareau!"

You shift your gaze to him.

"Hi..."

"How do you feel?"

"..xhaustd.."

"I bet!"

With that he smiles at you and leans over to you, to check on your lungs. Hotch took in the meantime your hand to hold it.

"Agent Jareau, do you know where you are?"

You frown at him. Ok he has a point. Your memory isn't that plausible anymore about the latest time.

"..'n the ICU.."

"Do you know my name?"

You clear your throat slightly and respond.

"Dr. Coburn."

"Ok thank you, Agent Jareau. The reason I ask, you developed a serious infection the last few days. Your fever spiked and with the infection in your brain you hallucinated a lot. I assume you don't know exactly what was going on the last days. Some weird dreams?"

You nod.

"Your lab results are much better today. I think despite a huge craving to sleep, there won't be any weird mind trips anymore. The meningitis is almost over, but what still bothers me, are your lungs. You still have a pneumonia. I guess you already figured out, your breathing is even more stressful, than it already was."

"...yes.."

"We work on that, Agent Jareau. But for now, you need to rest."

You nod slightly and close your eyes on that. You are really exhausted. Squeezing Hotch's hand slightly, reassure him, you still are there and welcome his close presence.

##

You lie half awake for some time and are listening to the familiar beeping and humming sounds of the ICU. The thoughts that are running through your head were the same the last minutes. As you are thinking it through, the tingle in your stomach returns and a smile wants to force itself on your lips. Endorphins. Well, you can quite use them right now. Your body can take all it gets of positive energy to heal. You fidget with the sheet in your hand unconsciously. There is attraction, isn't it? You cannot be so wrong. He is genuinely caring about you. That is for sure. What about you? How are you feeling about that? Do you like him? Of course... what a question. But are you just feeling about that in the way you do, because you are in the current position? Helpless and you need someone to hold on? So do you really care about him? ….yes... you do. Your gut isn't fooling you. So what now? You need confirmation, that your brain isn't fucking with you again. You feel your anger rising at your vulnerability and your state of mind. But you swallow the anger and try to focus on the one thing that drives you crazy the last hour. Hotch.

You squeeze your fingers slightly as you look at him, slumped down in the chair, one hand still reached out to yours, to hold you. You have to smile at the picture. And then the warm feeling in your gut spreads again and reaches even your chest. You have sigh. Yes you care for him a lot. He is there for you, almost all the time you can remember since you woke up. But then you feel the aftermath of your deep sigh... coughing fit. You squeeze your eyes shut at the pain that radiates through your chest, while you shake the last cough through your lung. You have to release Hotch's hand to hold your chest, while you try to ease your breathing at a normal... well almost normal frequency again.

As you can get a grip on the situation again, you feel him gently stroking your upper arm. You have to swallow, to clear your throat.

"Hey handsome"

He raises his brows and gives you quite a look. You have to chuckle at that, but end up trying to get an imminent second coughing fit under control. The whole time Hotch watches you, obviously being amused.

"Sorry."

You say sheepishly. His dimples emerge and he searches your eyes for any hints.

"What was that about?"

You just smile and reach for his hand to wrap your fingers around his. He follows your hand with his gaze as you do so. Slowly you brush over his fingers and squeeze them carefully. Then you look up and meet his eyes. Your smile vanishes for a moment as you become sober.

"Aaron..."

You croak. Now you are almost lost at words. You want to determine what is going on with you two. Your stomach flutters. You swallow, while you look into his brown eyes. Slowly you push your breathing mask away from your face. Your tongue is running over your dry lips, as you guide his hand to your face. Gently you place a kiss on his hand and lean your cheek against it. You close your eyes.

"Thank you... for being...here...for me, ...Aaron."

You look up to his face and watch his reaction intently. His mouth is a slit open and his expression is something you rarely ever saw. He is stunned. Speechless. He swallows.

"JJ... I..."

Then you finally ask.

"It did ...really... happen, right?"


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N Hey, thank you for your reviews! I would like to see more of that, because I want to know what you are thinking of this development. Please take some seconds to type your ideas or even wishes! I appreciate it. Here is the next chapter. Enjoy!**

Hotch's facial expression turns from stunned into something you cannot put the finger on. His brows are still raised. His eyes are keeping their soft and caring momentum, but there is so much more in it. And what you see, feels like someone would gently engulf your heart in a warm and tender embrace with his hands. It feels deeply satisfying. His gaze switches between your eyes, as he closes the small gap between his lips again. His brows return to their normal position and you can see a faint smile forming. His eyes crinkle a little as one dimple emerge on his face. You are still intently watching every little move, every change of expression on his face. It feels like everything else is faded out, the machines, the ventilator, the heart monitor, the medication pumps, the staff that is working outside. You only exist in that moment, the world stopped for it.

"Aaron?"

You whisper, you have to take short breaths, as the reality is slowly pulling you back. After all your supporting ventilation mask is just hanging around your neck, not the position it used to be. But you don't care. You gently brush a finger over his hand, that you are still holding.

It seems as you pulled him out of a trance, as he was lost in thoughts and in that moment too. He blinks and swallows as he gently takes your hand and is raising it to his mouth, to place a soft kiss on the back of it.

"You remember..."

That is all he says and sits carefully down beside you on the bed. Your stomach almost jumps at that message and the urge to smile is overwhelming now. Your breath quickens a little, as the emotions take their toll and require the needed oxygen. He leans over you and looks directly in your eyes. His face is relaxed and soft. Then he raises his hand and slowly strokes a strand of your hair behind your ear and finally cups your cheek.

"JJ, I can't stand losing you. I care too much about you, to lose you. That is what I became aware of the last days."

He searches your eyes for a response. And you only smile all over your face. Your breathing is still rapid and you are feeling that you become a little dizzy. But it is all forgotten as Hotch is hovering over your face, wetting his lips with his tongue and is finally leaning down. The kiss is breath taking, in every way. You feel your chest exploding, as emotions are running through your body. You slowly manage to raise your hand and cup his cheek, as you both deepen the kiss even more. It is passionate and soft. You want to make the time stop, for this unbelievable moment.

But then you have to pull away, because you really have the urge to take a breath. Your heart rate is already higher than normal and as your lips slowly disconnect, an alarm goes off next to you. You eagerly take the needed breaths in a shallow and too rapid mode, you know that but you don't care. As another alarm goes off you have to smile at Aaron, at this situation. Between your rapid breaths you have to chuckle. He on the other side is still stunned and he seems amazed at what just had happened... again. But then a smile emerges on his lips, too. Hotch gently puts the ventilation mask over your mouth and nose and is pressing it carefully on your face.

"I think we have to behave a little" , and chuckles with that as he shifts his gaze over the machines that are blinking with their alarm modes.

You only nod and close your eyes and welcome the precious oxygen to fill your lungs again. A nurse is entering your room and hurries next to you. Your eyes still closed you ignore him for a moment and let Hotch handle it.

"What's going on in here?"

The male nurse is wondering at you two. He pushes some buttons and is silencing the alarm. You already know him, it's George, it is the nurse that is usually taking care of you, when Betty isn't around.

"It's ok, she just needed to drink something and swallowed something up. "

Hotch lied in stoic manner.

"She had to cough and it got a little out of control."

"Tststs Jen, I told you to behave, just tiny sips, you know that right?"

You smile at that, still at a rapid breathing, but you feel the overpressure of the ventilation machine help you with your issue.

"Alright then, I guess Agent Hotchner is taking good care of you, so don't do anything stupid, you hear me Jen?"

"Yes, … sir..."

You breath out. George just chuckles as he is checking your lungs. He frowns a little.

"You have to do some more inhaling later, your lung sounds really crappy, still. So no more swallowing up again, alright?"

"Yes... sir.."

You whisper through the mask. Hotch had secured it with the straps in the meantime and took your hand in his, gently brushing his fingers over yours. George smiles shortly at the scene, but then makes his way out of the room.

You try to relax into your pillow and concentrate on your breathing. Your lungs are killing you. Your little stunt took its toll. Every breath is burning and you start feeling not so well. One of your hands is supporting your chest as it rises and falls in a fast rhythm. You feel Hotch's concerned gaze on you and have to swallow, but then you feel his soft hand cupping your cheek again. You lean into it and open your eyes to look at him.

"That...sucks..."

He strokes over your cheek and over your hair, then leans down and presses a gentle kiss on your forehead. He smiles sadly.

"I know."

He continues to sooth you, to take some of your pain away. After a while you are nearly sleeping, exhaustion is pulling you down. You feel your breathing isn't getting any better and try to relax despite it. But on your way to sleep you have to smile, as you remember the reason why you were so worked up. It was worth it. Definitely.

###

"...she is stable for now...yes..."

"...and the infection?"

"...well, she still has pneumonia, which is pretty bad for her condition..."

"...she will pull through, right...?"

"...lets hope so..."

"... oh man, poor girl..."

"...she will be alright, Derek..."

"...we will be there for her..."

You hear bits and pieces as you slowly drift in and out of sleep. Someone else is there, your mind is still fuzzy and you force yourself to wake up. The task is easier thought than done. You feel how your body is really weak right now. A moan escapes your lips through the ventilation mask, as you shift slightly in the bed. Your lungs are burning and your head is throbbing. Great. Then someone takes your hand, it is not Hotch, you think.

"Hey pretty girl, time to wake up for me."

You moan again and force your eyes open. Blinking at first, waiting until the unpleasant sensations subside. A faint smile rushes over your lips.

"Hey...Derek."

"Hey yourself."

He pauses and you feel how he tries to read every fiber of your body and soul, to assess how you are doing. But finally he asks anyway.

"How are you holding up?"

"...xhaustd...and tired..."

You have to swallow to clear your dry throat. The permanent oxygen flow isn't doing any good to your throat.

"You are doing great, do you hear me? You are some tough cookie. You already proved that."

He smiles at that as he strokes some strand of hair behind your ear. You blink tiredly and smile.

"Baby Girl sends you her best wishes, she wasn't able to join us, but she will visit you tomorrow."

You only nod. You feel you are not doing so well. You have to blink repeatedly and need to concentrate to hold your eyes open. Derek is watching you and a worried look is on his face.

"Hey pretty girl, let it go, it's alright, you don't have to stay awake for me. Get some rest, do you hear me?"

With that he gently is stroking your hair. You close your eyes and let the sleep take over. The last thing you feel is him carefully kissing you on the top of your head.

"Sleep well, JJ."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N Hey there! You guys rock! Thank you so much for voting this story, I never expected to be nominated in the first place and not even to win the category. I'm stunned. Thank you so much! So this story won Best Drama in Profile Choice Awards 2014! Wow!**

**I'm so sorry about the long time without update, but I was busy and on top of that I was totally out of ideas for the story and the lack of motivation was the overkill. But CM itself was the reason, why my urge to write came back. This totally awesome promo for next week led me back into the FF world. Hotch being mind controlled? wtf I freaked out - ! I'm so excited about this story again, because of that. So here it comes, the long overdue next chapter of Impact! Enjoy!**

It is an odd situation, you think. Daily life in an intensive care unit. On top of it, the sensations and feelings that are driving every thought inside your head, are altogether something, you never expected. Normally you get used to the routine of the place you stay for longer than a couple of days. Well, right now it is already beginning to get into more than 2 month. And just that knowledge, being on life support in an ICU for months, you can't grab a straight feeling about that. You didn't get used to it. The every day treatment, care and applications, you have to go through, to just be able to be in a state of mind and condition, that allows you to be alive, are out of normal. You cannot explain it to someone that hasn't lived through it. On the one hand you are grateful to be alive after all this. It is already a long and dangerous journey since the impact that night more than 2 month ago. On the other hand you are beyond exhausted. You are tired almost every minute and sometimes you cannot grab a straight thought. It is annoying.

But there are not just the medical and intensive care treatments, that requires your full energy or what is left of it. No. There is something else. Someone else. Aaron. Without him, you think, well without him, it would be ... you cannot imagine... you don't want to imagine. Because the feelings, that are so fresh, intense and overwhelming, are draining and filling you with power at the same time. Although, you just became aware two days ago, that there was something more between you two. It has to be. Something like that doesn't just happen. This bonding process went on for weeks, you guess. Although almost all the time your subconsciousness took over the processing of the feelings about the interaction you two had. Because you were and are fighting for your life and that part... well ... you were not always on the top of your business. You still are not. But you fight not alone. You fight with Hotch on your side and it gets better, every single day. Literally. You have to smile. And you have no clue how, because if you would rate the state of mind, you are in, like right now, it is a total chaos.

You are extremely happy and at the same time stressed and worked up from the nurses and doctors, that are giving you a hard time. Well they aren't quite the reason, your condition is. Like you still cannot breath without supporting pressure from the ventilator. Your lungs are killing you. But at the same time, there is Hotch, who is tenderly caring. He makes you calm and confident. Satisfied, it doesn't matter that the treatment, the doctors and nurses are giving you, to keep training your lungs, is annoying you. Because you are exhausted and you don't have any power left to push your body to get better right now.

A hand touches yours. You snap out of your thought marathon and look up.

"You look tense, are you still in pain? We can call Betty and she will raise your pain med cocktail, so you can get some rest."

You study his face. If you could, you would hug him on sight. It seems as there was an entire tank, that needs to be filled with Hotch or what he does to you. Since your relationship took a jump two days ago, you assess everything in a different angle, a different light. And it is definitely warm. Filling. Filling the once empty tank of yours, with positive energy.

"JJ?"

"Hm?"

"Everything alright?"

He begins to lean over to you and touches your cheek and your forehead.

"Are you running temperature again?"

'That is so sweet' you think and your eyes crinkle.

He stops in his movements, his assessment of your status and watch you closely.

"What?" He brings out.

You chuckle, but have to cough. With that the familiar rattling sound of your lungs appears. You close your eyes to ease the coughing and you are pleased it subsides quickly. The Hotch effect 1.0 . You sigh.

"JJ?"

You take his hand and look him in the eyes. Then you slowly start to unwrap the breathing mask, that is pressed on your mouth and nose, to be able to speak clearly.

"...was ...just thin..king...bout you...and evrythin ... withit.."

So much on clearly, but there has to be a reason, why Betty runs you through every breathing treatment possible these days.

With that hesitated exhausted sentence of yours, he determined grabs the breathing mask and presses it back over you mouth and nose. Carefully he attaches the straps back in place. It seems as since the true emotions were out between you two, he became overprotective. More than already. Differently than the guilt driven Hotch, that you were expecting all the time. Now the intention is on another.

You don't protest, while he secures the mask back in place.

"Are you sure you are alright? Because I can get the ."

You have to smile inwardly. Hotch seems to be kind of changed. The stoic manner made way for the emotional, the open hearted Hotch. his calm reassuring way didn't vanish. You give him a faint smile, but a warm one, though through the mask, but add on the end:

"'m fine...Aaron... don' ...worry."

You squeeze his hand and close your eyes to return to your thinking marathon. But something keeps you from thinking about the complexity of feelings and thoughts. It is something you didn't expect to feel anytime ever again. And your eyes shot open.

Hotch must have seen your sudden change in expression. He instantly jumped up from the chair and stands right beside you.

"Whats wrong?"

There is a dumb throbbing pain.

In your left foot.

You start to move your left hand to your hip and then to your leg.

"JJ?"

You blink repeatedly. Your breathing quickens. You frown as your hand reaches your thigh. Then you close your eyes and the tension leaves with every breath you take. You close your eyes and let your head sink in the pillow. And you have to smile under the breathing mask.

"JJ, what's wrong? Please tell me what's going on. Im going to get Dr. Coburn now!"

You just nod, smiling into your mask.

"Yes...bring...im...ere..."

While you hear Hotch leaving the room, you begin to massage your left thigh. You almost cannot believe it. You can feel every of your five finger touching your skin on your leg. What was numb for weeks, you can feel it right now...again...finally. Your spinal cord injury seems to heal. Bliss, you feel pure bliss rushing through your body. You would jump in excitement if you could.

"Jennifer?"

You open your eyes to see three people standing around you and stare at you. Betty checking the monitors and Dr. Coburn already bringing his stethoscope onto your chest. Hotch by your other side looking worried and a little bit like a lost puppy.

" 'm okay..."

"What's going on Agent Jareau?"

You look to Dr. Coburn who is trying to figure out and frowning as he listens to your breathing.

"Honey, what's bothering you?"

Betty is stroking over your forehead, but switches her gaze between you and the monitors.

You are glad, that this time, it's nothing bad happening. This time you can tell all those people, that are sick worrying about you, that you are fine, more than fine actually.

You swallow and gather yourself to speak. Now every one of them is watching you eagerly. Hotch hand is resting on your shoulder and you grab his hand.

"I can ... feel...my legs ...again.."

And you smile.


	22. Chapter 22

"You...wha...come again..."

You blink several times as tears start to well up in your eyes. You can't help but keep smiling.

"Agent Jareau, what did you say?"

You swallow and gather yourself again to speak.

"I can... feel...my legs... again!"

And after that you only watch how Dr. Coburn starts to examine you, still with a puzzled look on his face. You feel how Hotch engulfs your hand with both of his, but your attention is with the doctor, who lifted the sheets.

"Alright, lets get that tested."

With that Dr. Coburn is at the end of the bed and begins to touch your left foot.

"Do you feel anything at your feet?"

You only nod, because a lump is building in your throat.

"Ok, can you tell me which foot I am touching?"

You have to swallow, to get the lump down, but more tears are rolling down your cheek. You still can't believe what is happening. Almost unable to speak, you signal Dr. Coburn to the left and close your eyes to get the burning sensation in control. Your emotions boil up and you begin to cry. It is odd though, that now, you can let it flow, the emotions run free. You feel how Hotch gently wipes your wet cheek with his thump. You try to take a deep breath as far as your lungs allow it, to calm yourself down a bit. You feel how Hotch is gently stroking your cheek as his lips connect with your forehead.

"JJ, you are doing great!" , he whispers into your ear.

Dr. Coburn continues to check on your nerval response. You really have to concentrate on what he is doing, because the happiness and bliss is dancing and flipping inside your stomach, it almost makes it impossible to follow the instructions of the doctor.

At the end of his examination, Dr. Coburn has a huge smile on his face as he is writing something in your chart.

"Agent Jareau, I can confirm, your spine injury seems to heal properly at this point. I'm happy there are sensations in your legs again. We need to schedule a MRI to get a view on the swelling."

You nod at him and then gaze up into Hotch's eyes. As you watch his expression, you can clearly see that his eyes are moist too and his dimples are showing. You grab his fore arm and pull him closer to you. You need a hug now, more than everything else. Something essential and from the heart. You need to share this emotions, so you pull him even closer and with that he understands. Hotch is leaning down, gently is pulling you in a hug, while your healthy arm holds him close. You close your eyes and let the moment sink in. It is a major step on your huge way back into life. Hope. Hope is the word, that might be the most important now. You can sense that it is possible. That it is possible to come out of this dark spot, out of this misery again. This hope gives you the power to keep going. To endure this horrible nightmare. And that amazing man, that is in your embrace right now is carrying hope, too. Together you will manage whatever will be on your way back to life.

###

After that day, it seemed that fortune was on your side. Your crushed body might have been woken up and fought back. The MRI confirmed, that your spinal cord is almost free of pressure and it may only be a matter of time, since the motoric nerves are back on track. The large amount of time you just lay in a bed wont be a good condition to get your body back in motion. But the hope was and is the driving force, the engine that drove you forward these days after this happy moment. The moment you felt your legs again.

The infection in your lung was beaten and you improved visibly with your breathing skills. You weren't depended on the machine anymore, although little chit chat wasn't in your ability range yet.

As you are lying now staring out of the window and thinking about the past couple of weeks, almost couple of months. Those times, that might be very significant to your journey. The journey back into life. It is not just your way, no, not anymore. It is a journey. Because it is not yours alone. There grew someone important, that you never thought would be your safe haven. It was maybe the destination of your emotional life. This safe haven, you needed it dearly during the fight for your life. And now it is your both journey. You walk this path together. And these significant past days, which gave you feelings beyond hope, because your body came back to life. It is now becoming reality and palpable. The positive medical development proves it. You have to smile. Yes. It will work. This will work.

And you reach out to touch your safe haven. Your journey companion. And Hotch is responding with a gentle squeeze of your hand. You smile and close your eyes.

###

The End

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**A/N Hey! First of all I want to thank all of you for reading, reviewing and/or follow/fav this story. You are keeping the motivation alive. I struggled a lot in the end with this story. I am now at a point, where I say I want to end this story, to honor the story itself, to honor you people who made this story winning Profiler Choice Award Best Drama 2014. Thank you so much! If I continue to write this, I don't know if I can keep up a level that would satistfy you or me. Because it has to be something enjoyable and I had the feeling my writing mood and excitement for this story wasn't the same anymore. That is the reason this chapter was the last one of Impact. I know it is a little bit short and even a little suprising. But I have to admit, I like these kind of endings. You guys can develop your own imagination, how things will work out. Isn't that a cool thing? Maybe you get your own ideas and fictions, motivation to write sometime. That was how I came to write. Thank you.**


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